Baby Lynn #10 Campaign Update

We are so thankful for the outpouring of love for Baby Lynn #10!!!!  Thought I'd give a recap. 

We had massive amounts of donations for the yard sale. Between it and swip swaps after, we raised more than $400 toward our goal. We've received $80 into our Plumfund!

Last week, I had 16 vials of blood drawn for a portion of the testing. On Monday or Tuesday, Mike and I will have blood drawn and sent to California. 

Once the lab results are in, we will have a lengthy consult with the doctor about what he has found and what treatment would be necessary. 

There are lots of ways you can help us progress to our next goal!  Here's a list of our current fundraisers. 

1. Order something from my Thirty One party. Not only are you getting a great product, but you're helping a great cause. Here's the link. https://www.mythirtyone.com/479628/shop/Party/EventDetail/8726724?verify=true

2. Order a box of greeting cards. These cards by Usborne are fantastic. It's 30 handcrafted cards in a keepsake box with organizational dividers. At $30 a box, you're paying $1 per card, most of which would cost $4+ in the store. I am submitting the order on November 20th so please don't delay. I have a minimum order amount so please consider buying one to help me reach my goal. There are 3 boxes to choose from, one being for kids. Message me if you'd like to order!

3. Order a personalized Christmas ornament!  The medium ones are $7 each and the large ones are $10 each. These make great gifts for anyone on your list!  Secret Santa, teachers, neighbors, kids, grandkids, we have something for everyone!  Message me with your request. 

4. Donate to Baby Lynn #10 through our Plumfund account. Here's the link http://www.plumfund.com/medical-fund/baby-lynn-10. You can even donate through PayPal if that works better. My PayPal address is kelly_pureromance@yahoo.com. Every bit helps. 

As always, I'm open to fundraising ideas!

THANK, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to all who have helped us come this far on our journey. 

Baby Lynn #10

It's no secret we long to have another child. After looking into adoption more and realizing it isn't within reach, we continued searching for more answers. We feel as if we've explored every medical explanation for our losses except one. All of the doctor's we've seen have thrown their hands up with no answers. Our last puzzle piece to explore is the possibility that I have developed an immune reaction to foreign cells which resulted in my body attacking our babies. If that's the case, treatment is readily available. Because there could be multiple mechanisms, we aren't able to just do a trial on medicines. We need to know which treatment would be needed. With that said, we would need to be evaluated by a reproductive immunologist. It is a highly specialized field and as you can guess, isn't cheap. Here's where we need help!  In order to get the testing, evaluation, and treatment, we need $3,000. Once we've been evaluated and have answers, it is an additional $3,000 to be followed during pregnancy. We have hesitantly decided to start a fund for anyone who is willing and able to help us with this endeavor. If we can raise the initial $3,000 before year end, my medical deductible is already met and testing would be covered. In addition to donations, I'm looking for any ideas on fundraising for this adventure. Thank you all for listening to our plea and we hope you'll consider donating!  

Graciously, The Lynn Family (Mike, Kelly, Kaitlyn, Arianna, Preston, and angels- Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody)

Here's the link to our donation site. 

http://www.plumfund.com/medical-fund/baby-lynn-10

Capture Your Grief: Day 11- Glow In the Woods

Today's topic was to highlight a resource that has been light during he darkness...

My glow in the woods is a sweet friend from church. She has been there in a special way through 3 losses and hasn't given up on me. She always shows up at just the right time when I feel like the world has forgotten about us. When I was super sick with one of my pregnancies, she came over and cleaned my house for me. She watches my kids when I go to counseling which is such a blessing. There are no words to express my deep gratitude for her and her friendship!  This picture reminds me of her because she brought balloons for us to release on Paisley's first birthday. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 10- Words

Words can be so uplifting or heart shattering. The old adage, sticks & stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me, is so far from the truth. Instead of mulling through some of the painful things I've heard, I'm going to share some words that have brought me the most comfort.  

When our sweet Paisley died, one of my dear friends was out of the country. I had the chance to chat with her briefly on our way to her memorial service. I told her that I didn't know how I'd make it through the service because I was a wreck. She told me that my only job for that moment was to be Paisley's mommy and that it didn't matter what that looked like. Not only did she use my daughter's name, but she also validated that I was her mommy. She didn't stop there, she proceeded to give me permission to grieve. I will never forget her words on that day. Such a precious moment amongst friends that I am forever grateful for. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 9- Family

Got my first tattoo on Tuesday. I've been wanting it for some time. This portrays my family so well. Surrounding the butterfly, there are sparkles. 3 in black with the centers colored representing my earthside children. There's also a white one which represents the 4th child we desperately wanted to have in our home but will never see. It represents my longing heart. The 6 hearts represent our 6 angels: Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody.  

Capture Your Grief: Day 8- Wish List

It has been 3 1/2 months since we lost Brody, our 6th angel baby. I'm slowly beginning to find enjoyment in life again. I chose this picture because it is the result of a fun activity planned for my earthside children. My wish is to live each day to its fullest and enjoy every moment I have with them. This journey has made me realize how precious they are and how fragile life can be. Just because I can't be this crazy mom for my 6 angels, doesn't mean I shouldn't be it for my 3 living children. 

My long term wish would be to find a way to support moms in the community who have suffered a loss. I've connected with so many beautiful women on this journey that have made a huge difference in my healing. I hope to continue my Angels Remembered vision and eventually develop it into a support network for bereaved parents. This is a picture of the first card I sent from Angels Remembered. Just knowing your angel is remembered means so much to us loss mamas. I hope I can touch many mama hearts in the years ahead by reminding them that their babies aren't forgotten!

Capture Your Grief: Day 7- Memory

This is a picture of our sweet Paisley. We had 5 precious hours with her. Before they took her, I covered her with a blanket. That was the only time I was able to tuck her in. It was 14 months ago and I still get teary sometimes when I tuck my son in at night. I should be tucking Paisley in too but I only had that one chance. 

One of the things I regret not doing with Paisley was singing her a lullaby. Wasn't going to let that opportunity pass when I had the chance to hold Brody. I sang one of my kid's favorites, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". Also sang "You Are My Sunshine" until I got to the part that says "please don't take my sunshine away". At that point, the sobs took over. I still can't sing that song without crying and probably always will. 

There are so many other memories with all of our angels but these are my most precious. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 3- Honor

Who are you doing this project in memory of?  What is their story?

Since I've covered most of this in previous posts, I'm gonna do my best to summarize. I'm participating in this project for our 6 angel babies: Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody. 

Curtis was our first loss. When I was about 6 weeks pregnant, we went out of town for a wedding. The evening we arrived, I had some light bleeding and called my doctor. Because it was the weekend, I was told to rest and come in on Monday. Time moved so slowly. Monday finally came and we went for labs which came back normal. Had repeat labs drawn a few days later and things still looked normal. With the spotting continuing, we were seen for a scan. We were told the dreaded news that I had what appeared to be a blighted ovum. At some point during early development, the baby stopped growing and was absorbed, leaving an empty sac. We were sent home and told to return in a week to confirm the findings. A week later, nothing has changed. We were devastated at the news and scheduled a D&C. I spent much of the following year in a deep depression. We didn't speak of our loss much as it seemed so foreign. We named our baby Curtis and still carry him in our hearts. He was born May 1, 2008. His due date was December 14, 2008. After Curtis, we had 2 rainbow miracles. 

In August of 2013, I had a strange period, lasting 2 weeks. I already had an appt scheduled with my primary care doctor so I called to see if there were any hormone labs I needed to have done prior to my appt. She said no that they would probably just do a pregnancy test to rule out miscarriage and go from there. There was no way I was gonna wait for my appt so I bought a test. Was very surprised to see a positive on the test. Called my OB and was told to come in that afternoon. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks so I knew that I had most likely already miscarried.  For the 8 hours between my test and my appt, I hoped all would be ok. Sadly, we had already miscarried. We didn't name this baby until our 4th loss. When we gave Paisley a name, we realized we hadn't honored our 2nd & 3rd losses with names. Aubrey was one of the girl names we talked about using when we were pregnant with Arianna so it seemed perfect! Aubrey was miscarried on August 22, 2013. Her due date would've been April 16, 2014. 

Maverik did not take us by surprise. We were seen immediately for labs and started on progesterone right away. Within a week, we were experiencing another miscarriage as evidenced by bleeding and bad lab results. We were crushed but determined that we would have a healthy baby soon. We lost Maverik on December 4, 2013. His due date was August 4, 2014. 

On April 23, 2014 we found out we were expecting our 7th child. Considering our history, we were hesitantly excited. I was already on aspirin and was started on progesterone right away. Early labs were all great and everything seemed wonderful. At 17 weeks, we had a scan to check my cervix since I have a history of issues. My cervix had shortened and I was placed on different progesterone. We had similar issues with Anna's pregnancy so we knew we could handle it. That weekend, I started having some bleeding. For me, it was a normal occurrence to have bleeding for 12-24 hours at a time. Over th weekend it continued so I called the doctor's office to see what we needed to do. It was my birthday and we were celebrating it with granny over lunch. They asked me to come in for a scan to make sure my cervix was ok. Still thinking all was well, we went to the appt expecting to at the worst be faced with bed rest. Our sweet sonographer had to give us the dreaded news that there was no heartbeat. Since we had planned to keep the sex a secret, we still didn't know if we were having a boy or girl. She took another look and told us we were having a girl. After meeting with the Doctor, we left with the plan to return the following day for induction. After 18 long hours waiting for her arrival, she was born on August 6, 2014. Her due date was January 4, 2015. We only had a girl name picked out which made it easy. We named her Paisley Jane. Jane is my grandmother's middle name and I had hoped she would carry her great granny's name for many years to come. 

The grief of losing Paisley after feeling like we were finally getting our take home baby was overwhelming. In the midst of our grief, we found out we were expecting our next miracle. We didn't know what to expect of the pregnancy as we had been through so much. We knew it would be a long road but we were ready to travel it for the end result. Sadly, the end result we had hoped for never came. I was on progesterone and aspirin from the beginning. Once I was about 7 weeks, I became very sick. Very sick progressed to HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) and I had to receive IV fluid and nutrients since I wasn't able to keep food or drink down. It was hell but I would've traveled the journey a million times to have a baby in my arms. At my 12 week appt, baby's heartrate was perfect on the Doppler. We had an appt the following week with the high risk doctor where we would get a scan. As we sat there with the sonographer, I didn't see the flicker of the heart but hoped it was just the machine. She said she needed the doctor to come and get some additional views. Before she left, I asked "there's no heartbeat, is there?"  She confirmed that she didn't see one but wanted the doctor to take a look. Our lives crumbled again. Since Paisley's delivery took so much out of me and Carly's pregnancy had been very taxing, we opted to do the D&C. We scheduled the procedure and went home to process the news. I continued to puke and need IV therapy even though my baby was gone. Since we didn't have a definite sex yet, we decided to wait until the chromosome testing came back to give the baby a name. The test results came back showing we had a girl, who had perfectly normal chromosomes. That same day, Mike went to the funeral home to pick up her ashes. On his way home, he thought of her name. When he arrived, he asked if we could name her Carly. I agreed and immediately the middle name Rose came to mind. She was born on December 11, 2014. Her due date was June 9, 2015. 

On April 13, 2015 we found out we were expecting again. Given our history, we were seen immediately. Had labs done and received a prescription for heparin, a blood thinner. In addition to the aspirin and progesterone, we decided to try the heparin as a last ditch effort to keep this pregnancy. The pregnancy was much better than Carly's. I was rarely sick. I had a sense of peace about the pregnancy. Things were going along as normal and we were approaching a scary time in our pregnancy, the time where we had lost our last 2. I was using my home Doppler to check the heartbeat and that definitely made me feel comfortable. The morning of our OB appt, I couldn't find the heartbeat. I knew we were being seen so I didn't spend too much time looking for it. Since I had heard it the day before, I assumed all was well and baby was just in a bad position. The doctor searched with her Doppler for some time and couldn't find it so we went for a scan. It confirmed our worst nightmare. We had lost another precious child. One that I had the chance to hear the day before the appt. Since we regretted not being able to hold Carly and felt we missed out on pictures and footprints, we decided to induce instead of have a D&C. His delivery didn't take as long as Paisley's which I was thankful for. We were unsure of the sex but once baby was here, it was evident we had a little boy. We named him Brody which was a name we tossed around when we were pregnant with Preston. He was born on June 25, 2015. His due date is still upcoming on December 25, 2015. 

I know I had hoped for a summary but it still turned out to be quite lengthy. Thank you for taking the time to read about our angels and their stories. Their lives, no matter how short, have left a forced impact on our hearts and lives!

Arianna's Heart

Over the last week, my sweet Anna has made me cry on several occasions!  Not because she has done something wrong, but because she has a beautiful heart. During our losses this last year, she has always been in tune to mommy's sadness and been there. She knows just when momma needs a hug, an I love you, or a piece of art for our babies. 

This week, we were in the car and I started talking about a game we play on our iPads. I said "I have 2 babies ready in our game". Her response, I thought you were gonna say you have 2 babies in your belly. Wouldn't that be wonderful mommy. If you had 2 babies and none of them died."  My heart broke in that instant. Not only do I long for another child but so do my children. It's heartbreaking to know we can't give them that. 

Fast forward to tonight. The 3 kiddos were playing in the adjacent room. They were sitting down for school when Anna pipes in with "I feel like we are missing someone". Kaitlyn asked who. She said "our babies in the sky, the ones that died". Tears again for my sweet Anna's  longing heart!  

Last story, although there are dozens more. We had a project for school that asked what she wanted to save money for. Without hesitation, she said she wanted to save for a Paisley box. I have boxes at my bedside that keep all of our angel's keepsakes. Instead of a toy or something selfish, she wants to save for a memory box. Her theory, "because memories are more important than toys."  Tears again!!! She truly does have a beautiful heart. 

This is a picture from a month ago that she drew for me. She said it was me and she pointed out where she drew Paisley in my heart!  She is a very special girl. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 2- Intentions

"I intend to _________ in honor of my precious children ___________."

Such a loaded statement. This grief journey hasn't been easy. One thing I've come to truly believe is that life is valuable. I intend to honor our angels by loving more fully and making the most of the time I have been give with my 3 earthside children. 

I intend to support others in their grief. To be a nonjudgemental ear for those mamas who find their own thoughts disturbing. To tell my story bravely so mamas know they aren't alone. To remember the mamas and babies who have crossed my path and remind them that their babies are not forgotten. 

I intend to continue my journey to healing. To give myself permission to grieve, whenever and however I need. It is my grief and there's no limit to when the new normal will seem fluent. I intend to reach a place where happiness and grief coexist. After all, this grief will change but never will it end.

Lastly, I intend to keep talking about our precious babies; Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody. Gone but never forgotten. 

I have many intentions!  Most of which involve being where I am and making the most of every moment. Whether that's by focusing on myself and healing, by investing more love and adventurous moments in my earthside children, or by investing in other mamas who are hurting!  I intend to be present wherever I am, even if it isn't what others see as being wonderful. I will honor Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody by making the most of the rain. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 1- Sunrise

This mama is not a morning person!  If I'm awake before the sun, it is important. This morning, I drug myself out of bed, along with the 3 kiddos. We arrived at Vilano Beach at 7:00, just before sunrise. 

What's so important about today?  I'm participating in a healing journey along with many other mamas during October. October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Each day, we are given a subject to photograph and a prompt for journaling. This is why I was up before the sun today. I'm hoping to keep up all month and find some healing along the way. 

Given our weather recently, I'm not surprised at the view this morning. Cloud coverage blocked most of the sunrise but there is beauty in the bright sun peaking out where it can. This is very similar to my current grief journey. Despite being in the dark sadness of our losses, most recently Brody just 3 months ago, I can see healing peaking through. It may not be the beautiful sunrise I had dreamed about, but it's progress from the darkness of the passing night. 

For all of my fellow loss mamas, take time to reflect on your sweet babies this month. No matter how far you are in your grief journey, there's either a gaping wound or scar on your heart with your baby's memory etched on it. Curtis would be turning 7 this December and I still wonder how different life would be with him. His scar is still there and always will be, after all, I am his mama!  

This is my grief!

Haven't blogged much since losing Brody. What is there to say?  That I still cry almost daily?  That I still have a hard time functioning in crowds?  That I still can't be around pregnant women or babies without being consumed with jealousy?  That I still haven't talked to God?  

We've spent the last 2 years longing to have a fourth child because we both feel like our family isn't complete. Instead of embracing life with 4 kids, we've had to grieve the 5 babies we've lost in these 2 years. Instead of going crazy over baby clothes, I avoid the baby aisle at all costs. In 12 months, I've only been able to buy diapers once for Preston because the thought of going down the baby aisle makes we panic. 

Some may think I should be moving on by now. My sweet husband gently reminds me that this is my grief, no one else's!  If I spend the rest of my life grieving and crying, he will spend the rest of his life holding me while I cry.  I don't know where this grief journey will take me. Sure, I've been here 5 other times, yet I haven't. Every angel has held his or her own set of circumstances, memories, and pain. Each one holds a place in my heart and I had big plans for our family that included each of them. The 6 grief journeys have some parallels but no 2 are alike. 

What's the point of sharing?  I share because I know I'm not alone. Sadly, there are other hurting mamas who are on a similar journey. Many mamas have gone before me and many will follow.  I'm not the only one dreading opening the mailbox because I know the hospital bills are coming. Almost 3 months after losing Brody, we are seeing the bills come in. Bills asking us to pay 10 times the cost of an abortion. That is mind boggling!  

Nothing!!!

One year ago we were living our dream! Our OB appointment went "well". We had an ultrasound to check on my cervix. I have a history of it shortening, requiring medicine and/ or bedrest. My cervix was indeed short but nothing we hadn't faced and conquered before. Most importantly, our sweet baby was safe and looked perfect for 17 weeks. I remember Mike asking our sonographer why the baby was so inactive. She and I reassured him that babies sleep too, even in the womb. The heartbeat was great and everything else looked fine, so why worry about a normal occurrence. We left with medicine and a follow up appointment scheduled to make sure it was working. 

My placenta was in a place that kept me from feeling movement early and consistently. One of the greatest joys of pregnancy- feeling the nudges and kicks. I had finally started to feel the rolling around and occasional nudges. I remember crawling onto Kaitlyn's top bunk that week to escape the kids. It was one of the rare moments of feeling distinct movement. That is a precious memory that I'll never forget!  

As Mike and I were looking at her picture and talking last night, he asked if I ever wonder what color her hair and eyes would be. I think about her often but those details are some of the hardest to think about. She should be 8 months old, probably closer to 7 given my history. She'd be crawling and keeping me on my toes. Whose features would she have?  Would she be colicky?  Would she love being worn in my wraps?  Would she love milk-milk as much as our others?  Oh the wondering. Questions that'll never have answers. The spaces of my heart, broken and longing to hold her. A year later and the "why?" still plagues me!  An answer that will never be known in this lifetime. 

The conversation haulted and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I could tell Mike was struggling so I asked if there was anything I could do, anything he needed from me. He answered with the most honest of answers, "only if you could bring back one of our babies although I know you would if you could."  I responded that I would bring them all back if I could. We chuckled about how we would be wall-to-wall kids but wouldn't care!  That's the reality of the infamous "what can I do for you" question. Nothing!!!!  There isn't anyone or anything that can bring back Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, or Brody. Oh the pain of the empty places in my heart that seem unfillable. I'm sure I'll get a few prompts to trust God to fill those places. That, however, would require me to trust Him with my heart. I'm not there!  I've moved from sheer anger to complacency, which is probably an even more dangerous place. How do I move on from feeling so betrayed by God?  You'd think I'd know how to get there from here. In reality, each loss has been progressively harder to return to my faith. I know all the "right answers" but my head and heart don't agree right now. Until I get there, many thanks to my friends and family. So thankful for those who've stood by me in the darkest of times. Most importantly, thank you to Mike who has been with me through it all. He has seen the ugliness of my heart and thoughts and loved me more today than yesterday!  Still don't know how I've survived the last year. One thing is certain, I couldn't have done without the love of others. 

Knowing Doesn't Mean It's Easier

One month since we sat at the hospital, waiting for Brody's arrival. I've physically recovered but the pain of the emotional recovery has just begun. Knowing what it takes to get from here to truly being ok, makes it even harder. Knowing the pain I must face and ultimately embrace, doesn't make this less overwhelming. Grief is something you never become an expert at!  Yes, I've learned a lot since losing Curtis 7 years ago. I've learned that letting others into your pain and accepting the help and love offered is necessary. I've learned that there will be days that I'm not ok and it is ok to feel that way. I've learned that no matter the emotion, the thought, the feeling, it is valid and worthy of embracing and processing. I've learned that no matter how hard you try to believe the truth about your circumstances, you will always have a hint of guilt and self doubt. The what-ifs become less intrusive into your daily thoughts but they will always be there.  

I've also learned that there are genuine, loving people in this world. Some friends might have disappeared through the worst of times but there are a few that have been faithful in their support and love. Being there for someone who's grieving is hard work. Grief makes you self focused and usually disinterested in functioning in society. I'm so thankful to have had a few friends that have pushed into my heart and thoughts over the last year. Their persistence has kept me from staying in my dark place for too long. Their texts and calls have been invaluable. 

When you're grieving and depressed, you hope to just vanish into your world and never need to function in society again. Each group of friends holds its own set pain. None of it is by intention or even always rational, but it's there. Facing society after a loss is some of the hardest grief work. You know you're not emotionally stable and there's no predicting what might bring on the unstoppable tears. There isn't anyone in my circles that would mock my pain but there is a tendency, in society as a whole, to avoid painful situations. My tears and deep pain aren't easy to see and accept. Each time I've been in the process of reintegrating, it's inevitable to be in public places and on the verge of tears. It's obvious from the look on my face or even the tears streaming. I'm so grateful for anyone who has overcome the uncomfortableness of being in my hurt and giving me that hug. The hug that says, it's ok to be hurting and it's ok that you're struggling to even be here. The hug that says, I love you enough to come into your pain and hold you. 

The grief will never go away!  I will always miss my babies and long to have them in our home. The wounds begin to heal but the scars will always remain. That in itself is another battle to face. The tears become less which often leads to guilt. The tears and the very few memories with our babies is all I have of them. How does a mama strive for recovery and better days when it feels like the very process is inching out the reminders of your child?!  Finding the balance isn't easy but it's possible. The grief journey continues and some days, like today, will bring extra tears. Many thanks to anyone who has touched my heart throughout this process. 

Here's the song that my kids were singing after VBS this week. I haven't listened to it for a month, and on purpose!  I messaged the children's director to let her know that I had a love-hate relationship with VBS. Love that my kiddos were learning one of my favorite songs but hating the fact that I couldn't escape them singing it. Hard to embrace the phrase "your love never fails" when I'm in my phase where I feel like He has failed me. 

https://youtu.be/QYCJ8EvkGCs

No Answers

It has been a hard few days. I've spent the past week with my mom, sister, and nephew at a condo in Crescent Beach. We kept busy and I was quite distracted. Didn't even make it home yesterday before the tears were flowing. Don't get me wrong, I was exhausted and ready to be back to my bed and routine. I knew what awaited me here, Brody's ashes amongst many other reminders that our sweet baby is gone. My boxed up maternity clothes, baby swing, and bouncy seat all sit in the family room, waiting to be posted on swip swap. The thought of handing it over to someone and keeping my composure is far fetched at this point. I couldn't even look at the baby toy in the family room today without bursting into tears, the toy I was keeping for our baby. 

Tonight Mike and I decided to listen to a friend's sermon on adoption. I knew most of it would be about our adoption as children of God. I listened with hopes of hearing any insight on adoption as they have an adopted daughter. As we sat there listening, the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I should be planning things for Brody while feeling his rolls and kicks, not listening to an adoption sermon. Angry, so angry that I'm here again.  In the depths of grief and pain!  Contemplating adoption seems overwhelming and unobtainable at this point. The financial strain of one pregnancy in 12 months is enough for any couple. Multiply that by 3 pregnancies, all high risk and requiring hospital stays, and our adoption prospect is grim. Just another thing to grieve for the time being. Friends will say, trust God to provide. How does one do that when you're so scarred by the pain of losing 6 children?  How does one trust Him to guide the process and provision of a child for our family when we have had so many taken already?  It is a terrifying thought!  The adoption process can be long and emotionally draining. I'm not ready for that work yet when I'm still working through losing Brody. I also can't help but wonder if we are going to adopt, is our child out there needing love?  Are we missing precious moments with him or her?  These and so many other thoughts constantly race through my mind!  At this point, I have no answers. 

Here's where you come in... Most of my conversations with God (the few I am willing to have) are filled with hurt and anger. At this point, I don't feel like I can approach Him and ask for wisdom when all I've done is spew hatred at Him for 3 1/2 weeks. I wish my heart was more willing to forgive and accept His goodness and love that supercedes my circumstances. It's so much easier to say than do. With that said, I would love our friends and family to pray for us as we sort through what seems like an overwhelming sea of emotions and decisions ahead! 

Most songs just make me cry so I rarely listen lately. I did download this song recently and play it on repeat. If you hear something often enough, do you eventually begin to believe it?  That's my thought for playing this song...

https://youtu.be/yjgioXrnEME

The Delicate Dance of a Mother's Grief

Two weeks. Not sure how I've made it from there to here but I'm still standing and still breathing. I've managed to get out of bed every day and even get dressed on most days. Those things seem to be a given considering I'm caring for my kiddos that I love deeply. They may not have had the most adventurous of 2 weeks, but they've been fed and safe. They've seen mommy cry but have missed out on many of those quiet moments. Those moments when the heart is still and silent. The moments where the pain consumes and turns into uncontrollable sobs. That's what grief as a mom looks like for me. Cherishing the little things that my living children do that makes my heart smile!  The same heart that lays in bed at night, oozing with pain. It's a delicate dance of emotions but probably one of the few things keeping it sane for the Lynn household!

We decided tonight we would venture out and watch the free movie by the bay. We set up our chairs and sat there waiting for the movie to play. Even the kids sat still as the people watching took place. Thankfully, it was getting dark so no one saw the stream of tears rolling down my face. Tears as the lady pushed a stroller by. Tears as the pregnant lady walked by. Tears as the baby on the movie screen cried. Their silent happiness and my silent tears. Mike knew though!  We've been through this enough to know that reentering society is not an easy task. He has seen those same tears too many times to count. He's not the only one that sees. God sees and I'm just not ready to let Him hug me through it. I'm confident that it won't be like this forever. For now though, I know my friends and family are praying for me, asking God for things I refuse to want from Him right now. I know that God is patiently waiting for me acknowledge His love and the fact that He never left. Until then, I'll continue to spew my hatred and doubt and "why me's" directed at Him and know that in the end, He won't love me any less. 

Here's my heart's hope, to believe these words again...

http://youtu.be/r5tbZaBwJsc

Refusing to Crumble

I sit here tonight thinking about all the dreams I had for Brody. Even though my past told me to hold those plans loosely, I still dreamt of all the times we'd have with a newborn to snuggle and how much our lives would be enriched by the increased chaos of another child. So many details planned out in my head from sleeping arrangements to car seat rearranging, even planning a sandbox for the boys to play in together. All of those dreams, shattered in an instant!  Now comes the daunting task of living out our lives with yet another set of unfulfilled dreams. 

Today hasn't been a horrible day overall, just clusters of pain and grief. My children and husband made it home and I've spent a lot of the day soaking in their presence. Then there's the little moments, like the phone call to schedule my follow up where I'll enter the OB office that brings so much joy to others but causes so many heart wrenching flashbacks for us. Next is that moment when your 9 year old asks why God doesn't like us. He must hate us because He keeps taking things and making life bad. I gently remind her that He has given us a life of abundant joy and provision while simultaneously wondering the same thing. Then there's the news that our sweet boy has arrived to the funeral home where his tiny body will be cremated. A third urn to add to our shelf.

I can see most people looking at today's events as being a pretty bad day. For me, it's the beginning of working through this journey. The tough moments don't define my days. If I let them, I would surely crumble and never get back up. Today I was held together by hugs from Mike and the kids, by a round of batman and Robin with Preston, by sweet talks with Kaitlyn, reassuring glances from my beautiful Arianna, and visits from friends.  

No one promised life would be easy!  Sure as hell feels like we need a break though :'(

http://youtu.be/UfuBl6xFENk

No Regrets

Our sweet Brody Patrick made his entrance into the world on Thursday, June 25th, 2015 at 6:18 pm. His birthday is just 2 1/2 weeks after Carly's due date and 6 weeks before Paisley's one year birthday. So unfair!  In a matter of one year, we've suffered 3 devastating losses. I know we will come out on the other side alive and breathing. Even better for having known and loved them!  Until then, we keep trudging forward, keep breathing, and keep loving. I have no doubt that the days and weeks ahead will be filled with pain, anger and bitterness. I also know it's not permanent as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even at a mere 1.3 ounces, our sweet Brody has already taught us so much about living and loving freely, with no regrets. Our lives are forever changed by our sweet boy and for that, I'm eternally grateful!

http://youtu.be/jJhsexd8Qqg

Blessed Mama

Yesterday started like every other day. Pulled out the doppler from my nightstand for a quick listen. We were already scheduled for an appointment with the OB but I wanted to listen and get that small amount of reassurance before heading in. I had just heard baby Lynn the prior morning!  After searching unsuccessfully for several minutes, I decided to just get ready and let them look at the doctor's office. No point in stressing if I was being seen in a few hours anyway. Sent a quick message out to my prayer warriors for us in light of not hearing baby that morning. 

We continued on our day without any true worries and were hopeful that baby was hiding. As we sat with the doctor, attempting to find the heartbeat on doppler, the fear began to build. Thankfully, our sonographer is in office so we didn't have to wait long to check on baby. As we waited, we cried and prayed!  

In the ultrasound room, that dreaded room, we anxiously waited for the picture to appear on the screen. Sadly, Mike and I are experts at finding that flickering heart and knew immediately that baby was gone. It makes absolutely no sense!  We tried everything, even things not deemed necessary but not harmful. This baby was bathed in so much love and prayer. How could this be happening again?  After we gained our composure enough, we asked Gail if she would give us some pictures. She scanned us again and printed pictures for us to keep. She also looked at baby's anatomy and confirmed that baby's passing was very recent. Nothing was wrong with baby!  Another mystery left without answers. Baby Lynn died at 13 weeks and 5 days, probably around the same gestation as Carly. We will be sending for chromosome analysis to determine baby's sex unless it's obvious on delivery. 

We were given the option to let things happen naturally, have a D&C, or induce. It was really hard to not have the chance to hold or meet Carly so we chose to not have the D&C. Since baby had just passed, there was no guarantee of how long the natural process would take and being in limbo, possibly for weeks, wasn't something we wanted physically or emotionally. With the induction scheduled, we left the hospital with broken hearts again. We left knowing we would have to face our children and share the dreaded news. To know that Kaitlyn would have questions about God's love and not have answers ourselves is terrifying!  We know God loves us and we have felt His love but how do you covey that feeling to a 9 yo who has seen so much hurt and pain. She asked me how could God be so loving and let this happen?  She then tells me that God hates our family. So heartbreaking! I had no words to rebuke her thoughts other than I know He doesn't hate us and held her as we talked about the plan for baby's arrival. She asked if there would be any more babies and I had to tell her no. We tried everything and still lost the baby. I look at her pain and wish there was a way to take it upon myself. I can only imagine God looking at us and thinking the same thing. Instead, I hold her and agree that it isn't fair and that it SUCKS!

Spent some time with family at my mom's house after the appointment. Watched the kids play with their cousin and couldn't help but smile at the constant squeals and joy seeping from their play time. A nice distraction from the pain of my shattered heart. 

After we got home, some friends came and kept me company while Mike ran into work for a bit. We chatted about the day, the unfairness, and life in general. Was nice to have their company and even laughter!  Before Lisa left, she took some belly pictures. My last pregnant belly pictures :(. Oh the pain of knowing this journey is over on the birthing front as well as loss of future breastfeeding.  

Not even sure how I'll process that loss in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. How can it be that this desire is so strong and now an impossibility?  I've cried out so many times to let the desire pass but it hasn't. It's still there and I'm still empty armed and soon to have an empty womb as well!  

Regardless of all the pain and hurt, I am blessed!  I have 9 children. I've loved and carried all 9 of them.  I've only had the chance to raise 3 of them but my heart is forever full of love for all 9!  Definitely makes heaven seem sweeter knowing I'll have 6 angels welcoming me!  Until then, my heart will lovingly raise our 3 miracles here on earth. 

Today has been as hard as expected!  Entering the labor and delivery ward with the knowledge of it being my last time here. Knowing I'll go home without a baby produces pain that's incomprehensible. There's just no way to process it! I know we've done this multiple times before and each time, I've looked at it in the same way and have managed to come out still breathing. That's my goal for the upcoming hours, days, weeks... To keep breathing and praying for peace that my human mind doesn't see possible!  

My heart's cry for the day...

http://youtu.be/SjFIhTNDyz0

Honoring Curtis

Seven years since we lost our first angel. Hard to think we should have a child between Kaitlyn and Arianna. Curtis was Mike's first pregnancy. Sad to think that he never experienced the joy of pregnancy innocence. It is a sacred thing that most don't even know exists!  My first pregnancy was amazing. I can remember thinking about how I'd love to be a serrogate mother one day if the opportunity ever arose. Sadly, I feel like we are struggling to complete our family and will never be a candidate for surrogacy. 

I can remember seeing those 2 lines within a few short months of making our decision to expand our family. Telling Mike had to be something special. I immediately went to the store and bought a Big Sister shirt for Kaitlyn. When it was time for Mike to be coming home, Kaitlyn was bouncing around the house in her shirt. I stood back with camera in hand to see his reaction. It was a priceless moment that we sadly wouldn't experience again. The moment of sheer joy and knowing you'll be holding a baby in 8 months!  That is what I've missed in all of my other pregnancies. All other positive pregnancy tests after that were tainted with fear and doubt. 

His pregnancy started like my first and we carried along, living our dream. We went out of town for a friend's wedding which is when the dread began!  I had some bleeding and didn't think it was normal. Called the OB who said I could go to the ER but there wasn't much they would be able to do. We decided to end our trip and head home so we could see the doctor on Monday morning. Went in and had labs drawn and had our first taste of fear that the ultrasound room can invoke for many mamas who've lost their pregnancy innocence. We were told there was a sac but nothing within the sac. We were given a very small amount of hope that maybe I wasn't as far along as we thought. We left with that and a plan to repeat the scan a week later along with repeating labs in a few days. The labs continued to show a progressing pregnancy so our hope was not completely crushed. The second ultrasound still showed an empty sac. I had her give me a picture of the sac which I'm sure she thought was odd. I knew I'd need it for closure. We were devastated to hear we had what's called a blighted ovum. The sac develops and baby doesn't develop or reabsorbs. How can this be?!  Our perfect little world, shattered!  We were given the option to wait for us to miscarry naturally or to have the D&C. We chose the quicker route as my labs didn't show any indication of impending miscarriage. The thought of walking around, feeling pregnant, but knowing your womb is empty was not something I wanted to endure for an indefinite amount of time. That was our first pregnancy experience together. Mike had the 2-3 weeks prior to the bleeding in which he was able to experience the purest pregnancy joy. All other pregnancy announcements following Curtis' were joyous but tainted with fear. 

That's Curtis' story!  Seven years later and I still cry when I think about him and how our family would be.  

I've decided to take a new approach to angelversaries (the days we lost our angels). Instead of only looking at our loss and internalizing our pain, we will be donating a gift to a child who would be roughly our angels age. The picture above shows the present we donated to a boy who's in kindergarten and is less fortunate than we are. We have suffered tremendous pain in the past 7 years, especially the last 18 months, but we are still so blessed!  I'd rather have Curtis here to receive these things from us but that's not reality. It has only taken me 7 years to start this tradition but I look forward to bringing smiles to kids faces in the years ahead while also honoring our angels on very difficult days. 

Can't end without a song that I've recently discovered and LOVE. So thankful that He has steadied my heart more than I ever thought possible. 

https://youtu.be/KmaBhMOXXHg

Faith Boost

I've always loved music!  I struggle to remember things from my childhood but I can still sing many songs from when I was younger. My phone contains multiple playlists and I listen to them often. Wanted to share my "Faith Booster" Playlist. This is what I listen to about 90% of the time. Hope you find some comforting songs listed here. I've added YouTube links in case you want to hear some of them. I'm always looking for new songs to add so suggestions are welcome!

Faith Booster Songs List:

-Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong

http://youtu.be/xoZE2RsthRg

-Oceans Will Part by Hillsong

http://youtu.be/KpuxJEit-4s

-Give Me Faith by Elevation

http://youtu.be/P8PLBQrzWQ8

-Hope In Front of Me by Danny Gokey

http://youtu.be/9KIhYZQ_ovw

-It Is Well by Bethel Music

http://youtu.be/RlCKssiuckU

-Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane

https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

-The One I Love by Third Day

http://youtu.be/q5Cbb4AZZxs

-The Lord Our God by Passion

http://youtu.be/WZAYlZ2VmZU

-Stand In the Rain by Superchick

http://youtu.be/LhcnrJvwwPo

-You Are by Colton Dixon

https://youtu.be/YM8hxE-j4T8

-Dream for You by Casting Crowns

https://youtu.be/R8nsJZx8eWw

-Not For A Moment by Meredith Andrews

http://youtu.be/qoh26pC2RT8

-The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me

http://youtu.be/SqBMNSuDf7g

-Blessings by Laura Story

http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ

-Bring The Rain by Mercy Me

http://youtu.be/kseRKxkq5iY

-Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns

http://youtu.be/DoqbKyeKOBI

-Already There by Casting Crowns

http://youtu.be/Qtg9axTtNLg

-Every Beat of My Broken Heart by Hawk Nelson

http://youtu.be/3dR3vsjxYhg

-When the Rain Comes by Third Day

http://youtu.be/6FmBIdWwJhs

-Take It All by Third Day

http://youtu.be/P6FYBM7hpvU

-Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day

http://youtu.be/VeGNgBwPTMA

-Worn by Tenth Avenue North 

https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM

-By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

http://youtu.be/Yxq5tjAtaeU

-What Faith Can Do by Kutless

https://youtu.be/ur6Zznc407U

-Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe

https://youtu.be/KmaBhMOXXHg

-Just Be Held by Casting Crowns

https://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ

True Friends

I was at a meeting tonight with some friends. After the meeting ended, we were preparing for the next meeting. That's when it happened. The pregnant girl whom I've seen come into our meetings for sometime, was now here but with her baby. Immediately, the room erupts with the oohs and awes that are to be expected. Without even a chance to react, my dear friend Kimberly swoops in to the rescue. She drags me away on an errand. One that could've been delayed until the hallway congestion was clear. It was that very moment that I realized how truly blessed I am to have her in my life. She has been there for me and been a blessing on so many occasions. This is one of the most considerate and thoughtful gifts I could ever imagine receiving. For her to instinctively know my heart and the pain that was about to plow through my soul and act on it shows how much beauty her heart holds. That is a true friend!  I'm so thankful to have her and so many other great friends in this journey.  Couldn't hold back the tears as I was telling Mike the story. Not because of the baby and the oohs & awes but because I am so deeply touched by the love of a friend. 

Compassion

I have spent the last week worrying about today's appointment. The only reason I wasn't too worried before that was because I had a dental appointment to keep my mind anxious. After that, it was open to worry about today. I know the Bible says to not worry and that God takes care of the sparrows so He will take care of me. Tell that to my finite mind though!  Actually, I've told myself that a bazillion times and as soon as I lay something at His feet, I tend to grab it back. I have learned so much in the last 18 months yet I still struggle to leave it there. 

After dropping the kids off with a friend, I started my journey to Jacksonville. This gave me time to call the doctor's office and verify it was at the downtown location. As I'm talking to the receptionist, I realize that we aren't scheduled to see the doctor we had requested or been told to see. We were scheduled with the nurse practitioner and that the particular doctor we were supposed to see wasn't even at the same location. I was livid!  Called my OB to make sure it wasn't gonna be a wasted appointment and was reassured that even their nurse practitioners had the knowledge we needed. Having been on this frustrating journey of no answers, I am very effective at making sure my voice is heard. I knew we wouldn't leave today without at least feeling like we were heard, even if it was on a level that sends Mike sinking into his seat, shaking his head in shame!  

When we were called back, we were greeted warmly by the NP and she entertained all of my questions and seemed very knowledgable. She took our history, gave some feedback, and said she wanted to make sure one of the physicians didn't have anything to add. Here we go, another moment of feeling like we are those people. The ones that no one knows how to help. No answers to what has gone awry. "Let's get another opinion."  I feel like that has been the story of our life for the last 4 months. The doctor came in, introduced himself, sat down and acknowledged our pain. Took the time to look at us and say "you've been through a lot, I'm so sorry". It took a lot to hold back the tears!  Just those simple words were enough to make the appointment worthwhile. I talked about faith in God early, I had given up on believing in medicine and its goodness before today. Not because he came in and had answers, but because he came in and took the time to love on us and let us know he was on our side. We left with a lab slip and a good idea of how we would be treated/ monitored during a future pregnancy. That's it, no answer to why we've lost 5 babies!  Yet we left with a sense of hope because one Dr was transparent enough to say we don't know why and we can't guarantee a positive outcome even with increased monitoring. This is the exact thing we've struggled with, no guarantee. In all actuality, no doctor is going to be able to give us that. There's only one Person who controls that and He isn't in an office. He's with me, rooting for me to trust Him, waiting for me to relinquish all the pieces of my heart and doubt. No doctor can guarantee a baby's safe delivery. Only the Great Physician, Jesus, can!  

With that said, we have decided that we would switch OBs should it be necessary to have one. Our current OB is very knowledgable and has tons of experience but has lost his compassion. He has been my OB/ GYN for 10+ years. At this point, we need compassion more than we need experience. Our experience at the high risk Dr today definitely made that decision easier. We debated on switching when we were pregnant with Carly. We chose to stay with him because we wanted to avoid the time and effort of extra appointments. He is less likely to send patients to the high risk doctor for management so we stayed. Looking back at Carly's pregnancy, we would've had a much better experience had we not been so set on having an expert. A different doctor wouldn't have changed the outcome of Carly's pregnancy but it may have made our loss a little less traumatic. The doctor that delivered Paisley is less experienced but has a genuine heart. We regret not switching because I think she would've encouraged delivering Carly instead of balking at the idea because it's more work. There's a great likelihood that we would have pictures and footprints instead of just ashes.

This next part is not for the weak stomach...

 I remember pleading with him to let me see her after the D&C. He said I couldn't because she was mixed with other tissue. I can remember losing it at that point and being given a sedative. In the weeks ahead we grieved not being able to hold her. When Mike went to pick up her ashes, he asked our friend who cremated her about how she was received. He told us she was intact minus some minor tissue damage. This compounded the grief of missing out on those moments with her. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when another mama on one of my miscarriage support groups talked about being able to hold her baby after her D&C. This is where the compassion should've been a priority. My OB couldn't see past his schedule to see the lifetime impact of holding your child. To him, it's just another day at the office, another procedure. To me, it's our baby. Our only chance to hold her. The chance to get those precious pictures and footprints. The chance to kiss her. We will forever wish we had those momentos but can't be consumed with the regret. We can only move forward and trust that God's plan is not always ours and isn't always easy to accept. 

Had today's appointment been scheduled according to my request, today may have ended much differently!  God knew weeks ago which doctor I needed to see and made that happen. I'm so thankful to have a God who knows what I need and makes it happen, even when I question it.  

I still struggle to sing this song without crying. It was one that I sang wholeheartedly before losing Carly. It's still hard for me to sing these words to God. http://youtu.be/P8PLBQrzWQ8

Looks Can Be Deceiving

On the outside, I may seem to have myself together!  In all honesty though, my heart is still torn into a million pieces. Last night we went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. While ordering, Kaitlyn picked out our table. As soon as I arrived, I noticed an infant (maybe a few weeks old) in her carrier on the table, within direct view of my "assigned seat". There was also an older infant across the aisle from us. I knew the meal would be uncomfortable and figured I could focus on my meal and survive. As I'm finishing eating, the sweet cries of the baby were heard. At that moment, I could no longer focus on my meal and just survive. The tears poured out and Mike rushed over to comfort me. I sat with tissue covering my face, doing all I could to avoid sobbing. That is the reality of a grieving mama though. There's no way to avoid society and the joy of new life. Only for me, it doesn't bring joy. It's a reminder of the lives and dreams we've been robbed of. The pain of not seeing our children grow and the kisses we were never able to give. I do find comfort in knowing they're being held and loved on by Jesus. That doesn't make it less painful to miss out on those sweet moments!

Today is 4 months since we had Carly. I should be hugely pregnant and expecting her arrival in 2 months (probably closer to 1 since Anna & Preston were born at 36 weeks). The beginning of each month is so hard and this one is no different. As her due date approaches, it will only getter harder. I would like to be more optimistic about that fact but since she's loss #5, reality tells me otherwise. 

Four months later and I have cried for my sweet babies every day this week. I plead for God to heal the hurt and do my best to let go of my plans and let Him comfort me. The feelings of anger and betrayal are still there, but I have come to a place where I'm able to feel His love as well. Not where I want to be, but progress. I honestly believe that God will make beauty from these ashes, but the fire we have and are enduring to get there isn't pleasant. I even begged God tonight to let this cup pass from me just as Jesus did in the garden. I'm not facing physical death and torment as He did but I feel like my heart has holes which torment me. I was again reminded that God didn't change the path for His Son and He hasn't changed ours. We may never see the dreams we have for our family completely fulfilled. I have no doubt though that His purpose will be served, which is ultimately our purpose for being here. He never said the road would be easy, He only promises to be with us on our journey. 

We see our last specialist on Monday and I'm so anxious about what he may or may not say. It's the same office where we found out about Carly's death so that in itself will be a hurdle to overcome. The news we receive from the doctors could determine if we choose the adventure of another pregnancy or adoption.  It's not a decision we take lightly so all prayers on our behalf are coveted!

Can't close without a song as they are so comforting to me and I can only pray they are to others as well. 

https://youtu.be/q5Cbb4AZZxs

Forever Changed

Can't believe yesterday was 8 months since we delivered our sweet Paisley Jane. My days are no longer consumed with grief over her loss but not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Some days, it's a passing thought and reflection on her beauty. Other days, it's an overwhelming sadness of her absence. We should be rocking a 3 month old to bed every night and getting very little sleep. I would gladly give up my sleep to have her awaken me every 3 hours to nurse. Okay, maybe gladly is taking it too far- this mama loves some good sleep!  My house should be overrun with baby gear. I should be wearing her daily in the many wraps that I have collected for the sole purpose of keeping my kiddos close. The list of should haves could go on forever!

All of that to say, I have been forever changed by our sweet angel that I only had the chance to hold for 5 hours. The sweetness of new life has been made sweeter. The beauty in creation has become even more beautiful. The intensity of love for my living children has become more intense. The bond with my husband has become so much stronger. All because of an 8 inch, 4.8 ounce little girl who never took her first breath but left an unforgettable imprint on our hearts and lives!

An "I don't want God's plan" kind of day

The first half of the month seems to be so hard. We have so many dates surrounding Paisley's and Carly's deaths. Each month I'm reminded of their precious lives as we pass another month without them. Paisley's death was discovered on the 4th of August and she was delivered on the 6th. Carly's death was discovered on the 9th and the D&C was on the 11th. Shortly after these dates, I start my period which is another reminder of their absence. In the midst of all of their anniversary dates, I usually ovulate. Using protection to prevent pregnancy is another hurdle that I'm sure doesn't cross most people's minds unless they've been on a similar journey. All of these little things make for a very difficult few weeks and those are just the consistent reminders. This month is also the month we should be celebrating Aubrey's first birthday. Having 5 angels means there are so many anniversaries to navigate. Curtis' birthday is December 14th. I no longer dread the 14th every month but I remember it being very difficult to handle in the year following his death. We are painfully close to Carly's due date and Paisley's birthday. I know the months ahead will be especially difficult as we approach these hurdles that seem more like unclimbable mountains!

Over the past several days, I've spent a lot of time in the garage. Sifting through stuff for our yard sale. We aren't ready to let go of our baby stuff yet but there was a bag of stuff that was set aside more than a year ago that I planned to get rid of, even if we were blessed with another. In this pile was the bib pictured above. Needless to say, I lost my composure as I saw it. It has been an emotional few days as I've come across many baby items that we may never use again. 

Today, I sat outside with Preston, enjoying the sunshine and dinosaur wars in the dirt. I was saddened when saw the neighbor walking with her cute pregnant belly. Her baby is due in June, Carly's same due date month. I managed to smile and say hi even though my heart was breaking. Within 30 minutes of that "exposure", I heard the cries of our neighbors infant through her open windows. Her baby came in January, the month Paisley was due. We carried on with the rest of our day as normal even though mommy just wanted to crawl in bed and sob the afternoon away. My chance to sob came tonight when the kids were settled and Mike and I had a few minutes to talk uninterrupted. I told him about my experience between the tears and all I could say was "why did they get to keep their babies?"  I would never wish my heartache on anyone but I can't help but wonder what the difference is. What did they do right or what did I do wrong to make the outcomes of life so different. Without a doubt, I know those are inaccurate questions but that's at the depth of my heart. The wondering!  The how's and whys that I'll probably never know this side of heaven. 

What I do know is that God has a bigger plan for us. Some days, I don't want His plan as it has brought more heartbreak than I want to endure. Other days, I'm ready to serve Him and be His hands and feet. As I sit here tonight, wishing I could be in my neighbors shoes, I'm having an "I don't want God's plan" kind of day. I want my babies!  

Another awesome song to end with 

http://youtu.be/mxqfDs-64I0