The first half of the month seems to be so hard. We have so many dates surrounding Paisley's and Carly's deaths. Each month I'm reminded of their precious lives as we pass another month without them. Paisley's death was discovered on the 4th of August and she was delivered on the 6th. Carly's death was discovered on the 9th and the D&C was on the 11th. Shortly after these dates, I start my period which is another reminder of their absence. In the midst of all of their anniversary dates, I usually ovulate. Using protection to prevent pregnancy is another hurdle that I'm sure doesn't cross most people's minds unless they've been on a similar journey. All of these little things make for a very difficult few weeks and those are just the consistent reminders. This month is also the month we should be celebrating Aubrey's first birthday. Having 5 angels means there are so many anniversaries to navigate. Curtis' birthday is December 14th. I no longer dread the 14th every month but I remember it being very difficult to handle in the year following his death. We are painfully close to Carly's due date and Paisley's birthday. I know the months ahead will be especially difficult as we approach these hurdles that seem more like unclimbable mountains!
Over the past several days, I've spent a lot of time in the garage. Sifting through stuff for our yard sale. We aren't ready to let go of our baby stuff yet but there was a bag of stuff that was set aside more than a year ago that I planned to get rid of, even if we were blessed with another. In this pile was the bib pictured above. Needless to say, I lost my composure as I saw it. It has been an emotional few days as I've come across many baby items that we may never use again.
Today, I sat outside with Preston, enjoying the sunshine and dinosaur wars in the dirt. I was saddened when saw the neighbor walking with her cute pregnant belly. Her baby is due in June, Carly's same due date month. I managed to smile and say hi even though my heart was breaking. Within 30 minutes of that "exposure", I heard the cries of our neighbors infant through her open windows. Her baby came in January, the month Paisley was due. We carried on with the rest of our day as normal even though mommy just wanted to crawl in bed and sob the afternoon away. My chance to sob came tonight when the kids were settled and Mike and I had a few minutes to talk uninterrupted. I told him about my experience between the tears and all I could say was "why did they get to keep their babies?" I would never wish my heartache on anyone but I can't help but wonder what the difference is. What did they do right or what did I do wrong to make the outcomes of life so different. Without a doubt, I know those are inaccurate questions but that's at the depth of my heart. The wondering! The how's and whys that I'll probably never know this side of heaven.
What I do know is that God has a bigger plan for us. Some days, I don't want His plan as it has brought more heartbreak than I want to endure. Other days, I'm ready to serve Him and be His hands and feet. As I sit here tonight, wishing I could be in my neighbors shoes, I'm having an "I don't want God's plan" kind of day. I want my babies!
Another awesome song to end with
Oh Kelly my dear. I had spiritual direction the other day with my favorite Holy priest. I was crying how I feel like a failure as a mom and i hate God's plan for MY life now. He told me , reminded me, that God does not plan this, that God wants us happy and to feel loved. He said that it all changed with Adam and Eve and original sin. I realize those that are not Christian wont agree. Heck I do not like it either. I just honored one of my 4 losses this past week . I was nine weeks. it was in 1999 . It is ok we feel this way . We know God understands our hurt and our anger and our WHY'S.
ReplyDeleteSo many hugs Lisa! It is so hard to not be in control of life. Prayers for you as angelversaries are so tough, no matter how long it has been.
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