No Answers

It has been a hard few days. I've spent the past week with my mom, sister, and nephew at a condo in Crescent Beach. We kept busy and I was quite distracted. Didn't even make it home yesterday before the tears were flowing. Don't get me wrong, I was exhausted and ready to be back to my bed and routine. I knew what awaited me here, Brody's ashes amongst many other reminders that our sweet baby is gone. My boxed up maternity clothes, baby swing, and bouncy seat all sit in the family room, waiting to be posted on swip swap. The thought of handing it over to someone and keeping my composure is far fetched at this point. I couldn't even look at the baby toy in the family room today without bursting into tears, the toy I was keeping for our baby. 

Tonight Mike and I decided to listen to a friend's sermon on adoption. I knew most of it would be about our adoption as children of God. I listened with hopes of hearing any insight on adoption as they have an adopted daughter. As we sat there listening, the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I should be planning things for Brody while feeling his rolls and kicks, not listening to an adoption sermon. Angry, so angry that I'm here again.  In the depths of grief and pain!  Contemplating adoption seems overwhelming and unobtainable at this point. The financial strain of one pregnancy in 12 months is enough for any couple. Multiply that by 3 pregnancies, all high risk and requiring hospital stays, and our adoption prospect is grim. Just another thing to grieve for the time being. Friends will say, trust God to provide. How does one do that when you're so scarred by the pain of losing 6 children?  How does one trust Him to guide the process and provision of a child for our family when we have had so many taken already?  It is a terrifying thought!  The adoption process can be long and emotionally draining. I'm not ready for that work yet when I'm still working through losing Brody. I also can't help but wonder if we are going to adopt, is our child out there needing love?  Are we missing precious moments with him or her?  These and so many other thoughts constantly race through my mind!  At this point, I have no answers. 

Here's where you come in... Most of my conversations with God (the few I am willing to have) are filled with hurt and anger. At this point, I don't feel like I can approach Him and ask for wisdom when all I've done is spew hatred at Him for 3 1/2 weeks. I wish my heart was more willing to forgive and accept His goodness and love that supercedes my circumstances. It's so much easier to say than do. With that said, I would love our friends and family to pray for us as we sort through what seems like an overwhelming sea of emotions and decisions ahead! 

Most songs just make me cry so I rarely listen lately. I did download this song recently and play it on repeat. If you hear something often enough, do you eventually begin to believe it?  That's my thought for playing this song...

https://youtu.be/yjgioXrnEME