Capture Your Grief: Day 3- Honor

Who are you doing this project in memory of?  What is their story?

Since I've covered most of this in previous posts, I'm gonna do my best to summarize. I'm participating in this project for our 6 angel babies: Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody. 

Curtis was our first loss. When I was about 6 weeks pregnant, we went out of town for a wedding. The evening we arrived, I had some light bleeding and called my doctor. Because it was the weekend, I was told to rest and come in on Monday. Time moved so slowly. Monday finally came and we went for labs which came back normal. Had repeat labs drawn a few days later and things still looked normal. With the spotting continuing, we were seen for a scan. We were told the dreaded news that I had what appeared to be a blighted ovum. At some point during early development, the baby stopped growing and was absorbed, leaving an empty sac. We were sent home and told to return in a week to confirm the findings. A week later, nothing has changed. We were devastated at the news and scheduled a D&C. I spent much of the following year in a deep depression. We didn't speak of our loss much as it seemed so foreign. We named our baby Curtis and still carry him in our hearts. He was born May 1, 2008. His due date was December 14, 2008. After Curtis, we had 2 rainbow miracles. 

In August of 2013, I had a strange period, lasting 2 weeks. I already had an appt scheduled with my primary care doctor so I called to see if there were any hormone labs I needed to have done prior to my appt. She said no that they would probably just do a pregnancy test to rule out miscarriage and go from there. There was no way I was gonna wait for my appt so I bought a test. Was very surprised to see a positive on the test. Called my OB and was told to come in that afternoon. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks so I knew that I had most likely already miscarried.  For the 8 hours between my test and my appt, I hoped all would be ok. Sadly, we had already miscarried. We didn't name this baby until our 4th loss. When we gave Paisley a name, we realized we hadn't honored our 2nd & 3rd losses with names. Aubrey was one of the girl names we talked about using when we were pregnant with Arianna so it seemed perfect! Aubrey was miscarried on August 22, 2013. Her due date would've been April 16, 2014. 

Maverik did not take us by surprise. We were seen immediately for labs and started on progesterone right away. Within a week, we were experiencing another miscarriage as evidenced by bleeding and bad lab results. We were crushed but determined that we would have a healthy baby soon. We lost Maverik on December 4, 2013. His due date was August 4, 2014. 

On April 23, 2014 we found out we were expecting our 7th child. Considering our history, we were hesitantly excited. I was already on aspirin and was started on progesterone right away. Early labs were all great and everything seemed wonderful. At 17 weeks, we had a scan to check my cervix since I have a history of issues. My cervix had shortened and I was placed on different progesterone. We had similar issues with Anna's pregnancy so we knew we could handle it. That weekend, I started having some bleeding. For me, it was a normal occurrence to have bleeding for 12-24 hours at a time. Over th weekend it continued so I called the doctor's office to see what we needed to do. It was my birthday and we were celebrating it with granny over lunch. They asked me to come in for a scan to make sure my cervix was ok. Still thinking all was well, we went to the appt expecting to at the worst be faced with bed rest. Our sweet sonographer had to give us the dreaded news that there was no heartbeat. Since we had planned to keep the sex a secret, we still didn't know if we were having a boy or girl. She took another look and told us we were having a girl. After meeting with the Doctor, we left with the plan to return the following day for induction. After 18 long hours waiting for her arrival, she was born on August 6, 2014. Her due date was January 4, 2015. We only had a girl name picked out which made it easy. We named her Paisley Jane. Jane is my grandmother's middle name and I had hoped she would carry her great granny's name for many years to come. 

The grief of losing Paisley after feeling like we were finally getting our take home baby was overwhelming. In the midst of our grief, we found out we were expecting our next miracle. We didn't know what to expect of the pregnancy as we had been through so much. We knew it would be a long road but we were ready to travel it for the end result. Sadly, the end result we had hoped for never came. I was on progesterone and aspirin from the beginning. Once I was about 7 weeks, I became very sick. Very sick progressed to HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) and I had to receive IV fluid and nutrients since I wasn't able to keep food or drink down. It was hell but I would've traveled the journey a million times to have a baby in my arms. At my 12 week appt, baby's heartrate was perfect on the Doppler. We had an appt the following week with the high risk doctor where we would get a scan. As we sat there with the sonographer, I didn't see the flicker of the heart but hoped it was just the machine. She said she needed the doctor to come and get some additional views. Before she left, I asked "there's no heartbeat, is there?"  She confirmed that she didn't see one but wanted the doctor to take a look. Our lives crumbled again. Since Paisley's delivery took so much out of me and Carly's pregnancy had been very taxing, we opted to do the D&C. We scheduled the procedure and went home to process the news. I continued to puke and need IV therapy even though my baby was gone. Since we didn't have a definite sex yet, we decided to wait until the chromosome testing came back to give the baby a name. The test results came back showing we had a girl, who had perfectly normal chromosomes. That same day, Mike went to the funeral home to pick up her ashes. On his way home, he thought of her name. When he arrived, he asked if we could name her Carly. I agreed and immediately the middle name Rose came to mind. She was born on December 11, 2014. Her due date was June 9, 2015. 

On April 13, 2015 we found out we were expecting again. Given our history, we were seen immediately. Had labs done and received a prescription for heparin, a blood thinner. In addition to the aspirin and progesterone, we decided to try the heparin as a last ditch effort to keep this pregnancy. The pregnancy was much better than Carly's. I was rarely sick. I had a sense of peace about the pregnancy. Things were going along as normal and we were approaching a scary time in our pregnancy, the time where we had lost our last 2. I was using my home Doppler to check the heartbeat and that definitely made me feel comfortable. The morning of our OB appt, I couldn't find the heartbeat. I knew we were being seen so I didn't spend too much time looking for it. Since I had heard it the day before, I assumed all was well and baby was just in a bad position. The doctor searched with her Doppler for some time and couldn't find it so we went for a scan. It confirmed our worst nightmare. We had lost another precious child. One that I had the chance to hear the day before the appt. Since we regretted not being able to hold Carly and felt we missed out on pictures and footprints, we decided to induce instead of have a D&C. His delivery didn't take as long as Paisley's which I was thankful for. We were unsure of the sex but once baby was here, it was evident we had a little boy. We named him Brody which was a name we tossed around when we were pregnant with Preston. He was born on June 25, 2015. His due date is still upcoming on December 25, 2015. 

I know I had hoped for a summary but it still turned out to be quite lengthy. Thank you for taking the time to read about our angels and their stories. Their lives, no matter how short, have left a forced impact on our hearts and lives!

Arianna's Heart

Over the last week, my sweet Anna has made me cry on several occasions!  Not because she has done something wrong, but because she has a beautiful heart. During our losses this last year, she has always been in tune to mommy's sadness and been there. She knows just when momma needs a hug, an I love you, or a piece of art for our babies. 

This week, we were in the car and I started talking about a game we play on our iPads. I said "I have 2 babies ready in our game". Her response, I thought you were gonna say you have 2 babies in your belly. Wouldn't that be wonderful mommy. If you had 2 babies and none of them died."  My heart broke in that instant. Not only do I long for another child but so do my children. It's heartbreaking to know we can't give them that. 

Fast forward to tonight. The 3 kiddos were playing in the adjacent room. They were sitting down for school when Anna pipes in with "I feel like we are missing someone". Kaitlyn asked who. She said "our babies in the sky, the ones that died". Tears again for my sweet Anna's  longing heart!  

Last story, although there are dozens more. We had a project for school that asked what she wanted to save money for. Without hesitation, she said she wanted to save for a Paisley box. I have boxes at my bedside that keep all of our angel's keepsakes. Instead of a toy or something selfish, she wants to save for a memory box. Her theory, "because memories are more important than toys."  Tears again!!! She truly does have a beautiful heart. 

This is a picture from a month ago that she drew for me. She said it was me and she pointed out where she drew Paisley in my heart!  She is a very special girl. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 2- Intentions

"I intend to _________ in honor of my precious children ___________."

Such a loaded statement. This grief journey hasn't been easy. One thing I've come to truly believe is that life is valuable. I intend to honor our angels by loving more fully and making the most of the time I have been give with my 3 earthside children. 

I intend to support others in their grief. To be a nonjudgemental ear for those mamas who find their own thoughts disturbing. To tell my story bravely so mamas know they aren't alone. To remember the mamas and babies who have crossed my path and remind them that their babies are not forgotten. 

I intend to continue my journey to healing. To give myself permission to grieve, whenever and however I need. It is my grief and there's no limit to when the new normal will seem fluent. I intend to reach a place where happiness and grief coexist. After all, this grief will change but never will it end.

Lastly, I intend to keep talking about our precious babies; Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody. Gone but never forgotten. 

I have many intentions!  Most of which involve being where I am and making the most of every moment. Whether that's by focusing on myself and healing, by investing more love and adventurous moments in my earthside children, or by investing in other mamas who are hurting!  I intend to be present wherever I am, even if it isn't what others see as being wonderful. I will honor Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody by making the most of the rain. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 1- Sunrise

This mama is not a morning person!  If I'm awake before the sun, it is important. This morning, I drug myself out of bed, along with the 3 kiddos. We arrived at Vilano Beach at 7:00, just before sunrise. 

What's so important about today?  I'm participating in a healing journey along with many other mamas during October. October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Each day, we are given a subject to photograph and a prompt for journaling. This is why I was up before the sun today. I'm hoping to keep up all month and find some healing along the way. 

Given our weather recently, I'm not surprised at the view this morning. Cloud coverage blocked most of the sunrise but there is beauty in the bright sun peaking out where it can. This is very similar to my current grief journey. Despite being in the dark sadness of our losses, most recently Brody just 3 months ago, I can see healing peaking through. It may not be the beautiful sunrise I had dreamed about, but it's progress from the darkness of the passing night. 

For all of my fellow loss mamas, take time to reflect on your sweet babies this month. No matter how far you are in your grief journey, there's either a gaping wound or scar on your heart with your baby's memory etched on it. Curtis would be turning 7 this December and I still wonder how different life would be with him. His scar is still there and always will be, after all, I am his mama!  

This is my grief!

Haven't blogged much since losing Brody. What is there to say?  That I still cry almost daily?  That I still have a hard time functioning in crowds?  That I still can't be around pregnant women or babies without being consumed with jealousy?  That I still haven't talked to God?  

We've spent the last 2 years longing to have a fourth child because we both feel like our family isn't complete. Instead of embracing life with 4 kids, we've had to grieve the 5 babies we've lost in these 2 years. Instead of going crazy over baby clothes, I avoid the baby aisle at all costs. In 12 months, I've only been able to buy diapers once for Preston because the thought of going down the baby aisle makes we panic. 

Some may think I should be moving on by now. My sweet husband gently reminds me that this is my grief, no one else's!  If I spend the rest of my life grieving and crying, he will spend the rest of his life holding me while I cry.  I don't know where this grief journey will take me. Sure, I've been here 5 other times, yet I haven't. Every angel has held his or her own set of circumstances, memories, and pain. Each one holds a place in my heart and I had big plans for our family that included each of them. The 6 grief journeys have some parallels but no 2 are alike. 

What's the point of sharing?  I share because I know I'm not alone. Sadly, there are other hurting mamas who are on a similar journey. Many mamas have gone before me and many will follow.  I'm not the only one dreading opening the mailbox because I know the hospital bills are coming. Almost 3 months after losing Brody, we are seeing the bills come in. Bills asking us to pay 10 times the cost of an abortion. That is mind boggling!  

Nothing!!!

One year ago we were living our dream! Our OB appointment went "well". We had an ultrasound to check on my cervix. I have a history of it shortening, requiring medicine and/ or bedrest. My cervix was indeed short but nothing we hadn't faced and conquered before. Most importantly, our sweet baby was safe and looked perfect for 17 weeks. I remember Mike asking our sonographer why the baby was so inactive. She and I reassured him that babies sleep too, even in the womb. The heartbeat was great and everything else looked fine, so why worry about a normal occurrence. We left with medicine and a follow up appointment scheduled to make sure it was working. 

My placenta was in a place that kept me from feeling movement early and consistently. One of the greatest joys of pregnancy- feeling the nudges and kicks. I had finally started to feel the rolling around and occasional nudges. I remember crawling onto Kaitlyn's top bunk that week to escape the kids. It was one of the rare moments of feeling distinct movement. That is a precious memory that I'll never forget!  

As Mike and I were looking at her picture and talking last night, he asked if I ever wonder what color her hair and eyes would be. I think about her often but those details are some of the hardest to think about. She should be 8 months old, probably closer to 7 given my history. She'd be crawling and keeping me on my toes. Whose features would she have?  Would she be colicky?  Would she love being worn in my wraps?  Would she love milk-milk as much as our others?  Oh the wondering. Questions that'll never have answers. The spaces of my heart, broken and longing to hold her. A year later and the "why?" still plagues me!  An answer that will never be known in this lifetime. 

The conversation haulted and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I could tell Mike was struggling so I asked if there was anything I could do, anything he needed from me. He answered with the most honest of answers, "only if you could bring back one of our babies although I know you would if you could."  I responded that I would bring them all back if I could. We chuckled about how we would be wall-to-wall kids but wouldn't care!  That's the reality of the infamous "what can I do for you" question. Nothing!!!!  There isn't anyone or anything that can bring back Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, or Brody. Oh the pain of the empty places in my heart that seem unfillable. I'm sure I'll get a few prompts to trust God to fill those places. That, however, would require me to trust Him with my heart. I'm not there!  I've moved from sheer anger to complacency, which is probably an even more dangerous place. How do I move on from feeling so betrayed by God?  You'd think I'd know how to get there from here. In reality, each loss has been progressively harder to return to my faith. I know all the "right answers" but my head and heart don't agree right now. Until I get there, many thanks to my friends and family. So thankful for those who've stood by me in the darkest of times. Most importantly, thank you to Mike who has been with me through it all. He has seen the ugliness of my heart and thoughts and loved me more today than yesterday!  Still don't know how I've survived the last year. One thing is certain, I couldn't have done without the love of others. 

Knowing Doesn't Mean It's Easier

One month since we sat at the hospital, waiting for Brody's arrival. I've physically recovered but the pain of the emotional recovery has just begun. Knowing what it takes to get from here to truly being ok, makes it even harder. Knowing the pain I must face and ultimately embrace, doesn't make this less overwhelming. Grief is something you never become an expert at!  Yes, I've learned a lot since losing Curtis 7 years ago. I've learned that letting others into your pain and accepting the help and love offered is necessary. I've learned that there will be days that I'm not ok and it is ok to feel that way. I've learned that no matter the emotion, the thought, the feeling, it is valid and worthy of embracing and processing. I've learned that no matter how hard you try to believe the truth about your circumstances, you will always have a hint of guilt and self doubt. The what-ifs become less intrusive into your daily thoughts but they will always be there.  

I've also learned that there are genuine, loving people in this world. Some friends might have disappeared through the worst of times but there are a few that have been faithful in their support and love. Being there for someone who's grieving is hard work. Grief makes you self focused and usually disinterested in functioning in society. I'm so thankful to have had a few friends that have pushed into my heart and thoughts over the last year. Their persistence has kept me from staying in my dark place for too long. Their texts and calls have been invaluable. 

When you're grieving and depressed, you hope to just vanish into your world and never need to function in society again. Each group of friends holds its own set pain. None of it is by intention or even always rational, but it's there. Facing society after a loss is some of the hardest grief work. You know you're not emotionally stable and there's no predicting what might bring on the unstoppable tears. There isn't anyone in my circles that would mock my pain but there is a tendency, in society as a whole, to avoid painful situations. My tears and deep pain aren't easy to see and accept. Each time I've been in the process of reintegrating, it's inevitable to be in public places and on the verge of tears. It's obvious from the look on my face or even the tears streaming. I'm so grateful for anyone who has overcome the uncomfortableness of being in my hurt and giving me that hug. The hug that says, it's ok to be hurting and it's ok that you're struggling to even be here. The hug that says, I love you enough to come into your pain and hold you. 

The grief will never go away!  I will always miss my babies and long to have them in our home. The wounds begin to heal but the scars will always remain. That in itself is another battle to face. The tears become less which often leads to guilt. The tears and the very few memories with our babies is all I have of them. How does a mama strive for recovery and better days when it feels like the very process is inching out the reminders of your child?!  Finding the balance isn't easy but it's possible. The grief journey continues and some days, like today, will bring extra tears. Many thanks to anyone who has touched my heart throughout this process. 

Here's the song that my kids were singing after VBS this week. I haven't listened to it for a month, and on purpose!  I messaged the children's director to let her know that I had a love-hate relationship with VBS. Love that my kiddos were learning one of my favorite songs but hating the fact that I couldn't escape them singing it. Hard to embrace the phrase "your love never fails" when I'm in my phase where I feel like He has failed me. 

https://youtu.be/QYCJ8EvkGCs