Kicking & Screaming

Quick update from today's appointment...

Procedure went fine and everything looks "normal" from this doctor's standpoint. We have one more consultation before we can say we've explored all avenues. We left the appointment feeling discouraged at the lack of answers and the frustration of feeling like we are a medical mystery. 

Today's heart and mind wrestling have been relentless. I'm struggling to trust God will take care of either avenue we choose for expanding our family. I'm struggling with there being so many variables to consider. I'm struggling to be okay with feeling restless in this holding pattern, without answers. 

The appointment didn't leave me with any medical answers but at one point, I was in the room alone, waiting for the doctor. I took the time to pray and share with God what He already knew was on my heart. As I was laying there, I envisioned myself standing before Jesus and screaming at Him. Over and over, I stared into His face, and screamed. I then envisioned myself standing next to Him, continuing to scream and kicking Him. Once I had released my anger, I collapsed at His feet, sobbing in the fetal position. He scooped me up and sat with me in a rocking chair and began to rock me like a child and I saw Him wipe the hair away from my face. At that moment, the tears came and my prayer/ day dream was cut short. As I look back at this vision, I think about how many times my children have screamed at me in anger or told me that I must hate them. It's usually at that moment, when I want to look at them and say, if you only knew. That was my scenario with God today. He is looking at me, thinking, if you only knew!  

I'm so glad to serve a God that is big enough to handle my pain and anger. No amount of yelling at Him will change the fact that I'm forever loved by Him!

Definitely reminded me of one of my new favorite songs by Casting Crowns

https://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ