Faith for the Faithless

Three months since we lost our sweet Carly Rose. The pain is no longer at the forefront of my mind all day, but hasn't diminished in strength. My heart still aches for her daily. We would've been 26 weeks by now with preparations for her arrival well under way. Instead, my husband continues to hold me as I cry over my empty womb. Each day holds its challenges!  Between the monthly dates reminding me of Paisley's and her ultrasounds and resultant deliveries, and the constant exposure to pregnant people or infants, or the reminders every time I look at my dresser and see their boxes with ashes!  The list could go on for miles about the triggers I still face, DAILY. Went to the store tonight for groceries and really needed to pick up some diapers for Preston but I couldn't bring myself to walk down the baby aisle. Three months and I still can't pass the baby section without feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness and anxiety. I beg God to help the pain. Mike begs God in our prayers together. I've been going through phases of being ok with God and not. The last few days have been really hard and I can't even speak to Him. Mike and I joke about that being our old way of dealing with anger in our marriage. The silent treatment never accomplished anything but it would last for days. Took us 7 years to figure out that didn't work. Not sure why I think it will be any better with an all knowing God who sees my heart and struggles regardless of my willingness to share them. I find myself constantly going back to the verse 2 Timothy 2:13: "If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny who He is."  So glad he hasn't and won't give up on me!  I wrote this post on Facebook just 2 days after her delivery. It only felt right to copy and paste as I didn't want to take away from the rawness contained in it. 

"Just 7 short weeks after Paisley's death, we were surprised to find out we were expecting again. This definitely wasn't in our plans!  Why was this happening?  Did God know we would not make the conscious decision to have another and want to gift us with our desired 4th child?  As weeks went by and we finally saw the heartbeat, it became increasingly hard to deny the joy that this fear filled pregnancy brought with it. We began making preparations for this little one in attempt to accept this life and try to allay the fear of another loss. Packages began to arrive with things I've ordered online and swip swap trips were made to get some necessities for our baby on the way. I spent 6 weeks receiving IV fluids because I was too sick to eat or drink anything. Surely this baby was thriving with the evidence of high hormones wreaking have on my body!  Every appointment brought a sense of anxiety surrounding the wait for the heartbeat. We prepared for our appointment with the high risk Dr to discuss plans to prevent preterm labor problems. Heard baby's heartbeat just one week prior via Doppler and expected the ultrasound to go well. As she started the scan, I wondered where the flickering heart was. Thinking it was in my head, I anxiously waited to hear her talk about baby. She paused and said she needed to have the Dr check as she was concerned about some things. At that moment, I knew my suspicions were right. How can this be happening again?  This baby that was a heaven sent miracle was gone!  Why would we be given another chance, only to have our hearts destroyed again?  We left the office and went to see my OB.  While at the office, we had the chance to see our regular sonographer. She graciously allowed us another chance to see our angel on the ultrasound screen. She confirmed the worst, told us we were having a girl, and gave us our last pictures of our sweet angel!  I'm so thankful she was there and has been there through all 8 of our pregnancies. We met with the Dr and he wanted to do a D&C which meant I would never have the chance to hold our baby in my arms or kiss her sweet face. We contemplated delivery so we could have those few moments with our sweet child. I spent 18+ hours in waiting for Paisley's arrival and knew that would be too much for our hearts and my body to bear. A D&C would be quicker and have a shortened physical recovery but either option would leave regrets and emotional scars too deep to fathom. Our trip to the hospital was much quicker than our journey in August but leaves a wound equally as great. 

As I sit here, days since she was taken, I mourn not only her loss but every hope of all things baby. We had already made the decision that she would be our last, regardless of the outcome. Since we got pregnant with Paisley, I've been collecting cloth diapers and cute things to use for our precious little ones on the way. Those things will remain unused until I'm able to part with them. I'll never breastfeed another baby. I'll never wear my beautiful baby carriers to keep my baby close. All we want is another child to love and we were given that, only to be teased and have it ripped away. Our hearts can't handle another pregnancy and we can't put our children through the pain again. This is the harsh reality of my heart right now and I do appreciate all the kind words but please don't tell me to have faith, as I have none right now. And please don't tell me to be grateful for the children I do have!  I am eternally grateful for them but would never ask you to chose which one of yours you'd like to give up. These things are heard so often and meant with love but not what I need to hear. I'll eventually return to functioning in society again but never quite the person I once was. My heart bares 8 holes that can never be filled. Friends & family, I can't thank you enough for your love and support. You've held us up when we can barely find the energy to breathe or exist."