After the Dust Settles

As I sit here facing another sleepless night filled with tears, my heart feels so heavy. Heavy for my babies, heavy for my friends, heavy for my family, heavy for the unsuspecting person that makes me cry...

Yes, I cry a lot over my angels. I also cry because I feel so distant from society. It's so hard to face the world when you're surrounded by the beauty of new life. Monday, the pregnant lady did nothing wrong, but she made me cry. My heart hurts that I can't overcome the pain, sadness, and anger to celebrate with others. The Facebook pee stick picture could've been an opportunity to share my love for those 2 lines, instead it made me cry as I sat with jealous pain over not having those lines. At one point, Facebook was a source of fun and connection with the outside world. Now it serves as a reminder of the babies who made it and mine that didn't. The pregnant neighbor merely walked out to get the mail. She did nothing wrong, yet I cried!  Yesterday, I stayed busy with a tedious task and came across our DVD from Kaitlyn's first 3 years. Was so excited to watch it and reminisce on her early childhood. I sat and cried not only at the beauty and miracle of her birth, but more so at the prospect of never seeing those phases pass through this home again.  

Last night, my sweet husband held me as I cried. My family and friends have loved me well during these last 7 months. Mike still holds me when I need it. The thought of comforting someone for 7 months straight is overwhelming for me to think about. So thankful for a husband who has put aside himself and held me, long after the dust has settled and most don't see the tears and pain. 

Tonight my husband held me again as I cried and apologized for being in a bad mood this morning. He had no idea my morning started off with me waking to nausea, happens multiple days a month. This morning, it compounded with the sadness from the prior days, made for a rough start to my day. I couldn't help but wish I was still sick and nauseated!  Who does that?  Who wishes to be puking and needing IV fluids?  Me, I am that person!  I am the mom that would sacrifice anything, even yummy food, to have a healthy baby. On the opposite end, people treat theirs and their unborn child's life carelessly while I have 5 angels despite my willingness to sacrifice for their good. 

There are people who I avoid, those with preggo bellies and those with infants. I've stepped out of my role as a babywearing instructor. I have friends that could use help with babywearing, but the thought of seeing them and their babies makes me cry. 

All of this to say, long after the dust settles, there's more to grief life after losing a child. It means crying a lot, avoiding people, crying some more, feeling guilty about being a burden on others, crying yet again, and the guilt of not being able to celebrate with those who deserve it!