Paisley's and Carly's urns arrived today. We sat with the unopened shipping box and prayed for comfort as we cried! For some reason, opening the box somehow gave me a sense of finality. As if not opening it would change the fact that they're gone. Sadly, I get a similar feeling every time I close their memory boxes. Like closing them is a means of shutting them out. They will never be left out of our family or my heart so I don't know where the sense of dread comes from but it happens every time.
Tonight was no different! Although I knew leaving their urns in the box wouldn't alter the course of life, it was still a difficult hurdle to cross. As we sat there with their urns and ashes, we had to text a friend to see what we should do next. Do their ashes stay in the bags and the bags go into the urns? Do we place the ashes directly in the urn? Why are we even having this conversation? We are 34 and 37, how is it that we need to know this information about our children?
Once we got the girls transferred over, I couldn't help but rub the urns. I do the same thing with Paisley's blood-stained hat and wrap. It's all we have of our babies in tangible form. I never had the chance to "rub tickle" them or run my hands through their baby fine hair. Somehow, rubbing their urns brings me comfort. I still sleep with Paisley's wrap sometimes and there are days I want to carry it around with me. Almost like a child, finding comfort in snuggling a beloved blanket!
We go to sleep tonight without the physical presence of our 5 angels but thankful that they're watching us from above. Mike, as always, put a smile on my face tonight when he said "I bet they're up there fighting over who gets the pink urn". Even in some of our darkest moments, he has been my rock and a source of laughter and smiles. I couldn't have asked for a more loving and supportive husband and best friend! In case you're wondering, Paisley is in the white urn and Carly got the pink!
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