Kicking & Screaming

Quick update from today's appointment...

Procedure went fine and everything looks "normal" from this doctor's standpoint. We have one more consultation before we can say we've explored all avenues. We left the appointment feeling discouraged at the lack of answers and the frustration of feeling like we are a medical mystery. 

Today's heart and mind wrestling have been relentless. I'm struggling to trust God will take care of either avenue we choose for expanding our family. I'm struggling with there being so many variables to consider. I'm struggling to be okay with feeling restless in this holding pattern, without answers. 

The appointment didn't leave me with any medical answers but at one point, I was in the room alone, waiting for the doctor. I took the time to pray and share with God what He already knew was on my heart. As I was laying there, I envisioned myself standing before Jesus and screaming at Him. Over and over, I stared into His face, and screamed. I then envisioned myself standing next to Him, continuing to scream and kicking Him. Once I had released my anger, I collapsed at His feet, sobbing in the fetal position. He scooped me up and sat with me in a rocking chair and began to rock me like a child and I saw Him wipe the hair away from my face. At that moment, the tears came and my prayer/ day dream was cut short. As I look back at this vision, I think about how many times my children have screamed at me in anger or told me that I must hate them. It's usually at that moment, when I want to look at them and say, if you only knew. That was my scenario with God today. He is looking at me, thinking, if you only knew!  

I'm so glad to serve a God that is big enough to handle my pain and anger. No amount of yelling at Him will change the fact that I'm forever loved by Him!

Definitely reminded me of one of my new favorite songs by Casting Crowns

https://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ

Pursuing God

Mike is a man. I don't say that to get into an anatomy lesson but I say that because he has a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time. He struggles, like most men, to focus on too much at once. He is designed by God to stay in his box whereas woman are designed drastically different. Women are typically the family multi-taskers. For me, everything in life is connected, down to the simple every day pieces of life. Mike and I joke about needing a non-rainy day without kids before we can clean out our room. How do the 2 things even intertwine?  Mike thinks I'm nuts but to me, cleaning things out means room to store things that don't belong in our room/ closet. Well, the garage is that place but it is in no condition to hold more "stuff". In order to clean the garage, we need a sunny, but not too hot, day to clean out the garage! That's not asking for much, in Florida with 3 kids :).  In reality, we need about 3 days but for the sake of setting realistic goals, we will say one!  So, in my mind, I can't clean out our closet until the garage has been cleaned. What does all of this have to do with anything relevant?  Bare with me, I'm getting there!

Because I'm the multi-tasker, I weigh all options at the same time. Yes, we are pursuing answers to our angel's deaths and the possibility of trying once more but we are open to adoption as well. Mike sees one task at a time but I struggle to do that. This leads me to the meat of this post...

In February, I decided to look at deaf children who are waiting for their forever homes. I didn't spend much time in my searching but I did find a little girl in Asia. I saved her profile and put it aside for the time being. Mike and I didn't talk about her or my search until a few weeks ago. He hasn't squashed the idea but, as a man, he wants to pursue one thing at a time. Currently, that is answers from doctors. Two days ago, I sent a message about the little girl who has been on my mind for the past month. I received an email today stating that she has been placed on hold for a family. This doesn't mean she is not meant for us. No one but God knows that at this time!  This disheartened me more than I thought it would for many reasons. 

Before today, my heart was beginning to veer more towards adoption than in the months past. I even considered asking Mike to think outside his box or switch boxes for the time being and pursue this child. I don't know why my heart was bent to her. What I do know is that this was a reminder that I'm not in control and I have no idea where our future lies, only God does!  Maybe this was God's way of redirecting my heart back to Mike's box of pursuing answers from the doctors. Maybe it was a reminder that neither journey will be emotionally easy. Whatever the reason, all I can do is seek God and His will. This is no easy task for my heart and mind- the multi-tasker that does not appreciate the unknowns!

Tangible Comforts

Paisley's and Carly's urns arrived today. We sat with the unopened shipping box and prayed for comfort as we cried!  For some reason, opening the box somehow gave me a sense of finality. As if not opening it would change the fact that they're gone. Sadly, I get a similar feeling every time I close their memory boxes. Like closing them is a means of shutting them out. They will never be left out of our family or my heart so I don't know where the sense of dread comes from but it happens every time. 

Tonight was no different!  Although I knew leaving their urns in the box wouldn't alter the course of life, it was still a difficult hurdle to cross. As we sat there with their urns and ashes, we had to text a friend to see what we should do next. Do their ashes stay in the bags and the bags go into the urns?  Do we place the ashes directly in the urn?  Why are we even having this conversation?  We are 34 and 37, how is it that we need to know this information about our children?

Once we got the girls transferred over, I couldn't help but rub the urns. I do the same thing with Paisley's blood-stained hat and wrap. It's all we have of our babies in tangible form. I never had the chance to "rub tickle" them or run my hands through their baby fine hair. Somehow, rubbing their urns brings me comfort. I still sleep with Paisley's wrap sometimes and there are days I want to carry it around with me. Almost like a child, finding comfort in snuggling a beloved blanket!  

We go to sleep tonight without the physical presence of our 5 angels but thankful that they're watching us from above. Mike, as always, put a smile on my face tonight when he said "I bet they're up there fighting over who gets the pink urn". Even in some of our darkest moments, he has been my rock and a source of laughter and smiles. I couldn't have asked for a more loving and supportive husband and best friend! In case you're wondering, Paisley is in the white urn and Carly got the pink!

What next?

As I sit here tonight, pondering the weeks ahead, I'm filled with so many emotions. Mike and I have decided to seek answers from specialists about the reason behind losing our sweet babies. Our family still feels incomplete and we desperately want to have another child. At the same time, we can't knowingly put our family through the pain of another loss unless we have valid reason to think our baby will survive. We had testing done through my OB after we lost Aubrey which all came back "normal". The only abnormal finding was an MTHFR mutation which can cause problems with blood clotting and result in miscarriage. My specific mutation supposedly doesn't influence fertility or miscarriage risks. Since we had lost so many prior, I was put on aspirin as a precaution with Paisley and Carly. The only thing my OB knows he would do differently is have me take blood thinner injections in addition to the aspirin.  

Thursday we met with the reproductive medicine Dr who specializes more so in early pregnancy loss. Since he releases patients at 12 weeks, he seemed unsure of how to process Paisley's and Carly's death or even stipulate a possible cause. As my OB told me when we lost Carly, there's no real specialist for me- I'm in between. The reproductive medicine doctors get you pregnant and through the point of seeing a heartbeat. The high risk doctors, help your body keep growing the baby for as long as possible. With no known reason for Paisley's and Carly's death, ROC may not even have answers. Next week, we have an HSG scheduled which will involve injecting dye into my uterus. They'll take pictures and do an ultrasound to look for any anatomical reason behind their deaths.  

Our next stop will be another visit to ROC, the high risk perinatologist. They're the ones we were seeing when we discovered Carly had passed. I'm having a hard time getting the courage to call for that appointment because I know it will be difficult to return to their office. 

I shed many tears on Thursday in the waiting room, thinking "we shouldn't be here. We should have our family complete and not need to see specialists."

The lack of answers is frustrating but the fear of unwanted answers is frightening as well. What if we find a fixable/ treatable reason for their deaths. How will we survive the fear of another pregnancy? What if we find no reason?  How we will we process that news and accept the end of our childbearing days?  

I'm sure many people will wonder why we would even consider another pregnancy after what we've already been through. Unless you've experience the pain of not having a complete family, it is incomprehensible. The possibility of my last pregnancy resulting in my baby's death, is painful. Will I ever be able to view pregnant women without that jealousy and pain if the road for me ends with Paisley's and Carly's death?  I've even begged God to remove the desire for more children and help me rest content with the 3 we have. It's so difficult to wrestle with figuring out what's a selfish desire and what is God's leading. 

We haven't ruled out adoption. We talked about adoption when we were having a hard time conceiving Arianna. At the time, we had begun looking into adopting a deaf child. Our hearts are still open to that and would love to adopt if that's the direction God has for us. So much goes into adoption and we would need an abundance of resources provided for it to happen. We serve an amazing God who can provide more than enough resources if that's the path we are supposed to take. 

All of this to say...

We have so many emotions and questions to navigate through in the weeks ahead and would love for our prayer warriors to stand with us in this journey. The answers and decisions will be the easiest parts and they seem overwhelming. Any prayer on our behalf is much appreciated!

Claiming the Casting Crown song I have grown to love "Dream for You". Praying we can hear God's direction and be submissive to His dream for us!

https://youtu.be/R8nsJZx8eWw

Our Wall

I ordered the urns today for Paisley's and Carly's ashes. Can't wait for them to arrive. We have a wall in our bedroom dedicated to momentos from the children. The wall is pictured here and holds some very special pieces of our children's lives. On the far left is Paisley's placenta print. After delivery, we brought the placenta home and a sweet neighbor friend made is this keepsake. Next is a picture that has become increasingly special as the years have passed and the losses of our children have occurred. Little did we know that this picture would encompass the lives of all 8 of our children!  The children are pictured with a Babywearing wrap called Heaven's Love. It represents infant loss. At the time of this picture, we had only lost Curtis and I had this picture made for Mike for Father's Day 2012. The wrap pictured here represented Curtis and now holds Paisley's blood stains from our cuddling with her at the hospital. Never would I have imagined how much it would mean to us when I bought it. We have 5 angels loving us from Heaven daily!  Under that picture is a plate that the children made for Mother's Day 2013 with all 3 handprints. One sure fire way to a mama's heart is through a handprint or footprint gift!  The large middle piece was Mike's Father's Day gift. Love me some Pinterest ideas, especially when they turn out ;). On the far right, we have a hat that Kaitlyn made for Mike's first Father's Day. Above that is a Paisley frame. It has her footprint card, my favorite picture of her, and a picture of the balloon release from her memorial service. Once the urns arrive, we hope to find a shelf to hold their urns and a memory box above the placenta print. 

All of that to share this...

Because Hobby Lobby is the place every woman goes when she's depressed over buying urns, we made a quick trip for one thing but came out with many things. Not even sure how that happens!  I'll blame it on the kids!!!!  I bought something for our wall. It's a vinyl lettering kit that reads "When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart"

It has been almost impossible to see God's hand at work in the midst of our tragedy and pain. Moments when we think He has deserted us, we have to trust His heart. If we trust Him as the Creator of the universe and for our redemption, how can we deny His heart and love for us, even when we can't see his hand at work. I still wrestle daily with how can I accept and love a God that allowed/ did not prevent the overwhelming grief over the last 7 months.  Thankfully, He's a God that can handle my wrestlings and my despise of His plan!

I've never attempted to link a song but this song has been played daily since I heard it a few weeks ago. Hope the link works...

https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

Salt in Open Wounds

Spring break is here and incredibly busy! We've had so much fun as a family. Camping with Kaitlyn's AHG troop which was exhausting but full of so many unforgettable memories!  

My nephew was here the last 3 days which couldn't have been more exciting.  My sister thinks we were helping her but I'm pretty sure my family was blessed even more by his presence. While he was here, I couldn't help but think of the chaos I should be experiencing daily with 4 children in tow. That extra child to buckle into a car seat. The extra attention required by another dependent set of dirty fingers and toes!  My heart was full and simultaneously empty with the pain of my angel babies absence. He went back home today, hopefully with some unforgettable memories of his time here!

In the craziness of the last several weeks, I've pushed aside most of my pain surrounding our angels. Sometimes, there just isn't time to stop and cry, other times, it easier to ignore and keep moving for fear of losing steam in the productivity of the busy days. These feelings always return to the surface. Either there's a final straw to break the weak fort that I've built around my heart or there's a silent moment, allowing my heart to whisper the reality that lies within it. Today, it was both!  In the quietness of the house this morning (yes, quietness when there were 4 kids here), I began to process the salt that has been poured on my heart the last few weeks. Just as the salt of the ocean water was painful on Kaitlyn's open wound yesterday, so stings the many reminders that my babies aren't here, and never will be. Sure, they're in heaven and being loved on by Someone who loves them more fully than I could ever imagine. My heart and soul pines for their sweet smell, their kissable fingers and toes, their belly laughs at mommy's silly antics, and...the list could go on forever!  

This week alone, 3 months after Carly's death, I still have daily reminders from the world around me. I can't scroll Facebook anymore because of the inevitable pregnancy announcements, the belly and ultrasound pictures and the baby pictures that I'm still not ready to embrace without a burning jealousy within. 

I overheard my neighbor talking about how her baby is due in June, the same month Carly was due. This particular neighbor loves across the street from a mama who had her baby in December, when Paisley was due. It seems so cruel to have that thrown into my face for countless years to come. One of the reasons we've had to switch churches is to avoid the pain of seeing the babies that were due with Paisley. Can't exactly pick up and move houses though!  

Our income tax return came in last week. When we were discussing things that needed to be done with it, my first request was to purchase nice urns for Paisley's and Carly's ashes. Their ashes still sit in the temporary urns provided by the funeral home. How can that be?  Our "extra" money is being used to buy urns for 2 daughters!  NOT FAIR

Today, I called to make a payment to our OBs office. As if the pain of paying the bills for the deliveries of our dead children wasn't enough, the girl who took my payment was Carly. I still don't know how she managed to get the credit card numbers from my tearful voice. Note to self, mail a check next month!  The salt from that call was enough to make my heart heavy for the rest of the day. 

Let's not stop there though!  The day continues with the start of my menstrual cycle. That monthly reminder that my womb is empty. The painful sight that sends me back to the weeks following our miscarriages. Pretty sure anyone who has suffered a pregnancy loss, can relate in some way to the post traumatic distress that comes from this monthly reminder. 

To brighten the day, we headed to the library and park. While there, I caught sight of at least 3 children's books about adjusting to life with a baby. Then, there's the pregnant ladies, there with their little ones. Happily enjoying their day and maybe even complaining about the discomfort of the life growing inside. Oh how I wish I could tell them to cherish every moment with their child. That not all women are blessed to have the aches and pains of pregnancy. Obviously, I avoid approaching them because I've been on the other side. I've complained about the discomforts of pregnancy before losing Paisley. Oh how I wish I could be in their shoes!  When I was pregnant with Carly, I couldn't keep a single bite of food or sip of drink down. I would give anything to be there again and endure that for 9 months if it meant she'd still be here. There was plenty to complain about but I was so happy she was there and thriving. Losing 5 babies has no doubt made me appreciate the lives of my 3 kids and the miracle of their pregnancies!

Being a grieving mom doesn't end with the acceptance of your loss and can't be hidden by the busyness of life, even when it's full of relentless joy. Thankfully, the wounds begin to heal but there will always be a bit of brokenness that stings with the salt of this broken world. 

Faith for the Faithless

Three months since we lost our sweet Carly Rose. The pain is no longer at the forefront of my mind all day, but hasn't diminished in strength. My heart still aches for her daily. We would've been 26 weeks by now with preparations for her arrival well under way. Instead, my husband continues to hold me as I cry over my empty womb. Each day holds its challenges!  Between the monthly dates reminding me of Paisley's and her ultrasounds and resultant deliveries, and the constant exposure to pregnant people or infants, or the reminders every time I look at my dresser and see their boxes with ashes!  The list could go on for miles about the triggers I still face, DAILY. Went to the store tonight for groceries and really needed to pick up some diapers for Preston but I couldn't bring myself to walk down the baby aisle. Three months and I still can't pass the baby section without feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness and anxiety. I beg God to help the pain. Mike begs God in our prayers together. I've been going through phases of being ok with God and not. The last few days have been really hard and I can't even speak to Him. Mike and I joke about that being our old way of dealing with anger in our marriage. The silent treatment never accomplished anything but it would last for days. Took us 7 years to figure out that didn't work. Not sure why I think it will be any better with an all knowing God who sees my heart and struggles regardless of my willingness to share them. I find myself constantly going back to the verse 2 Timothy 2:13: "If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny who He is."  So glad he hasn't and won't give up on me!  I wrote this post on Facebook just 2 days after her delivery. It only felt right to copy and paste as I didn't want to take away from the rawness contained in it. 

"Just 7 short weeks after Paisley's death, we were surprised to find out we were expecting again. This definitely wasn't in our plans!  Why was this happening?  Did God know we would not make the conscious decision to have another and want to gift us with our desired 4th child?  As weeks went by and we finally saw the heartbeat, it became increasingly hard to deny the joy that this fear filled pregnancy brought with it. We began making preparations for this little one in attempt to accept this life and try to allay the fear of another loss. Packages began to arrive with things I've ordered online and swip swap trips were made to get some necessities for our baby on the way. I spent 6 weeks receiving IV fluids because I was too sick to eat or drink anything. Surely this baby was thriving with the evidence of high hormones wreaking have on my body!  Every appointment brought a sense of anxiety surrounding the wait for the heartbeat. We prepared for our appointment with the high risk Dr to discuss plans to prevent preterm labor problems. Heard baby's heartbeat just one week prior via Doppler and expected the ultrasound to go well. As she started the scan, I wondered where the flickering heart was. Thinking it was in my head, I anxiously waited to hear her talk about baby. She paused and said she needed to have the Dr check as she was concerned about some things. At that moment, I knew my suspicions were right. How can this be happening again?  This baby that was a heaven sent miracle was gone!  Why would we be given another chance, only to have our hearts destroyed again?  We left the office and went to see my OB.  While at the office, we had the chance to see our regular sonographer. She graciously allowed us another chance to see our angel on the ultrasound screen. She confirmed the worst, told us we were having a girl, and gave us our last pictures of our sweet angel!  I'm so thankful she was there and has been there through all 8 of our pregnancies. We met with the Dr and he wanted to do a D&C which meant I would never have the chance to hold our baby in my arms or kiss her sweet face. We contemplated delivery so we could have those few moments with our sweet child. I spent 18+ hours in waiting for Paisley's arrival and knew that would be too much for our hearts and my body to bear. A D&C would be quicker and have a shortened physical recovery but either option would leave regrets and emotional scars too deep to fathom. Our trip to the hospital was much quicker than our journey in August but leaves a wound equally as great. 

As I sit here, days since she was taken, I mourn not only her loss but every hope of all things baby. We had already made the decision that she would be our last, regardless of the outcome. Since we got pregnant with Paisley, I've been collecting cloth diapers and cute things to use for our precious little ones on the way. Those things will remain unused until I'm able to part with them. I'll never breastfeed another baby. I'll never wear my beautiful baby carriers to keep my baby close. All we want is another child to love and we were given that, only to be teased and have it ripped away. Our hearts can't handle another pregnancy and we can't put our children through the pain again. This is the harsh reality of my heart right now and I do appreciate all the kind words but please don't tell me to have faith, as I have none right now. And please don't tell me to be grateful for the children I do have!  I am eternally grateful for them but would never ask you to chose which one of yours you'd like to give up. These things are heard so often and meant with love but not what I need to hear. I'll eventually return to functioning in society again but never quite the person I once was. My heart bares 8 holes that can never be filled. Friends & family, I can't thank you enough for your love and support. You've held us up when we can barely find the energy to breathe or exist."