Spring break is here and incredibly busy! We've had so much fun as a family. Camping with Kaitlyn's AHG troop which was exhausting but full of so many unforgettable memories!
My nephew was here the last 3 days which couldn't have been more exciting. My sister thinks we were helping her but I'm pretty sure my family was blessed even more by his presence. While he was here, I couldn't help but think of the chaos I should be experiencing daily with 4 children in tow. That extra child to buckle into a car seat. The extra attention required by another dependent set of dirty fingers and toes! My heart was full and simultaneously empty with the pain of my angel babies absence. He went back home today, hopefully with some unforgettable memories of his time here!
In the craziness of the last several weeks, I've pushed aside most of my pain surrounding our angels. Sometimes, there just isn't time to stop and cry, other times, it easier to ignore and keep moving for fear of losing steam in the productivity of the busy days. These feelings always return to the surface. Either there's a final straw to break the weak fort that I've built around my heart or there's a silent moment, allowing my heart to whisper the reality that lies within it. Today, it was both! In the quietness of the house this morning (yes, quietness when there were 4 kids here), I began to process the salt that has been poured on my heart the last few weeks. Just as the salt of the ocean water was painful on Kaitlyn's open wound yesterday, so stings the many reminders that my babies aren't here, and never will be. Sure, they're in heaven and being loved on by Someone who loves them more fully than I could ever imagine. My heart and soul pines for their sweet smell, their kissable fingers and toes, their belly laughs at mommy's silly antics, and...the list could go on forever!
This week alone, 3 months after Carly's death, I still have daily reminders from the world around me. I can't scroll Facebook anymore because of the inevitable pregnancy announcements, the belly and ultrasound pictures and the baby pictures that I'm still not ready to embrace without a burning jealousy within.
I overheard my neighbor talking about how her baby is due in June, the same month Carly was due. This particular neighbor loves across the street from a mama who had her baby in December, when Paisley was due. It seems so cruel to have that thrown into my face for countless years to come. One of the reasons we've had to switch churches is to avoid the pain of seeing the babies that were due with Paisley. Can't exactly pick up and move houses though!
Our income tax return came in last week. When we were discussing things that needed to be done with it, my first request was to purchase nice urns for Paisley's and Carly's ashes. Their ashes still sit in the temporary urns provided by the funeral home. How can that be? Our "extra" money is being used to buy urns for 2 daughters! NOT FAIR
Today, I called to make a payment to our OBs office. As if the pain of paying the bills for the deliveries of our dead children wasn't enough, the girl who took my payment was Carly. I still don't know how she managed to get the credit card numbers from my tearful voice. Note to self, mail a check next month! The salt from that call was enough to make my heart heavy for the rest of the day.
Let's not stop there though! The day continues with the start of my menstrual cycle. That monthly reminder that my womb is empty. The painful sight that sends me back to the weeks following our miscarriages. Pretty sure anyone who has suffered a pregnancy loss, can relate in some way to the post traumatic distress that comes from this monthly reminder.
To brighten the day, we headed to the library and park. While there, I caught sight of at least 3 children's books about adjusting to life with a baby. Then, there's the pregnant ladies, there with their little ones. Happily enjoying their day and maybe even complaining about the discomfort of the life growing inside. Oh how I wish I could tell them to cherish every moment with their child. That not all women are blessed to have the aches and pains of pregnancy. Obviously, I avoid approaching them because I've been on the other side. I've complained about the discomforts of pregnancy before losing Paisley. Oh how I wish I could be in their shoes! When I was pregnant with Carly, I couldn't keep a single bite of food or sip of drink down. I would give anything to be there again and endure that for 9 months if it meant she'd still be here. There was plenty to complain about but I was so happy she was there and thriving. Losing 5 babies has no doubt made me appreciate the lives of my 3 kids and the miracle of their pregnancies!
Being a grieving mom doesn't end with the acceptance of your loss and can't be hidden by the busyness of life, even when it's full of relentless joy. Thankfully, the wounds begin to heal but there will always be a bit of brokenness that stings with the salt of this broken world.
Hugs and prayers as always. It has been a ROUGH week . Interesting my friend Liz that I told you about (and her two sisters that lost their babies ) was telling me the other day about in the bible how Lot's wife turned back and turned to salt. She told me salt makes things bitter. And that looking back can make us bitter like salt. I think that holds true in SOME situations ,like a husband that leaves his wife and kids. But is is So hard not to look back. But if we look back and remember the 'sweetness' instead of the 'salt' we will make it thru this !
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