The Delicate Dance of a Mother's Grief

Two weeks. Not sure how I've made it from there to here but I'm still standing and still breathing. I've managed to get out of bed every day and even get dressed on most days. Those things seem to be a given considering I'm caring for my kiddos that I love deeply. They may not have had the most adventurous of 2 weeks, but they've been fed and safe. They've seen mommy cry but have missed out on many of those quiet moments. Those moments when the heart is still and silent. The moments where the pain consumes and turns into uncontrollable sobs. That's what grief as a mom looks like for me. Cherishing the little things that my living children do that makes my heart smile!  The same heart that lays in bed at night, oozing with pain. It's a delicate dance of emotions but probably one of the few things keeping it sane for the Lynn household!

We decided tonight we would venture out and watch the free movie by the bay. We set up our chairs and sat there waiting for the movie to play. Even the kids sat still as the people watching took place. Thankfully, it was getting dark so no one saw the stream of tears rolling down my face. Tears as the lady pushed a stroller by. Tears as the pregnant lady walked by. Tears as the baby on the movie screen cried. Their silent happiness and my silent tears. Mike knew though!  We've been through this enough to know that reentering society is not an easy task. He has seen those same tears too many times to count. He's not the only one that sees. God sees and I'm just not ready to let Him hug me through it. I'm confident that it won't be like this forever. For now though, I know my friends and family are praying for me, asking God for things I refuse to want from Him right now. I know that God is patiently waiting for me acknowledge His love and the fact that He never left. Until then, I'll continue to spew my hatred and doubt and "why me's" directed at Him and know that in the end, He won't love me any less. 

Here's my heart's hope, to believe these words again...

http://youtu.be/r5tbZaBwJsc