Nothing!!!

One year ago we were living our dream! Our OB appointment went "well". We had an ultrasound to check on my cervix. I have a history of it shortening, requiring medicine and/ or bedrest. My cervix was indeed short but nothing we hadn't faced and conquered before. Most importantly, our sweet baby was safe and looked perfect for 17 weeks. I remember Mike asking our sonographer why the baby was so inactive. She and I reassured him that babies sleep too, even in the womb. The heartbeat was great and everything else looked fine, so why worry about a normal occurrence. We left with medicine and a follow up appointment scheduled to make sure it was working. 

My placenta was in a place that kept me from feeling movement early and consistently. One of the greatest joys of pregnancy- feeling the nudges and kicks. I had finally started to feel the rolling around and occasional nudges. I remember crawling onto Kaitlyn's top bunk that week to escape the kids. It was one of the rare moments of feeling distinct movement. That is a precious memory that I'll never forget!  

As Mike and I were looking at her picture and talking last night, he asked if I ever wonder what color her hair and eyes would be. I think about her often but those details are some of the hardest to think about. She should be 8 months old, probably closer to 7 given my history. She'd be crawling and keeping me on my toes. Whose features would she have?  Would she be colicky?  Would she love being worn in my wraps?  Would she love milk-milk as much as our others?  Oh the wondering. Questions that'll never have answers. The spaces of my heart, broken and longing to hold her. A year later and the "why?" still plagues me!  An answer that will never be known in this lifetime. 

The conversation haulted and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I could tell Mike was struggling so I asked if there was anything I could do, anything he needed from me. He answered with the most honest of answers, "only if you could bring back one of our babies although I know you would if you could."  I responded that I would bring them all back if I could. We chuckled about how we would be wall-to-wall kids but wouldn't care!  That's the reality of the infamous "what can I do for you" question. Nothing!!!!  There isn't anyone or anything that can bring back Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, or Brody. Oh the pain of the empty places in my heart that seem unfillable. I'm sure I'll get a few prompts to trust God to fill those places. That, however, would require me to trust Him with my heart. I'm not there!  I've moved from sheer anger to complacency, which is probably an even more dangerous place. How do I move on from feeling so betrayed by God?  You'd think I'd know how to get there from here. In reality, each loss has been progressively harder to return to my faith. I know all the "right answers" but my head and heart don't agree right now. Until I get there, many thanks to my friends and family. So thankful for those who've stood by me in the darkest of times. Most importantly, thank you to Mike who has been with me through it all. He has seen the ugliness of my heart and thoughts and loved me more today than yesterday!  Still don't know how I've survived the last year. One thing is certain, I couldn't have done without the love of others.