Refusing to Crumble

I sit here tonight thinking about all the dreams I had for Brody. Even though my past told me to hold those plans loosely, I still dreamt of all the times we'd have with a newborn to snuggle and how much our lives would be enriched by the increased chaos of another child. So many details planned out in my head from sleeping arrangements to car seat rearranging, even planning a sandbox for the boys to play in together. All of those dreams, shattered in an instant!  Now comes the daunting task of living out our lives with yet another set of unfulfilled dreams. 

Today hasn't been a horrible day overall, just clusters of pain and grief. My children and husband made it home and I've spent a lot of the day soaking in their presence. Then there's the little moments, like the phone call to schedule my follow up where I'll enter the OB office that brings so much joy to others but causes so many heart wrenching flashbacks for us. Next is that moment when your 9 year old asks why God doesn't like us. He must hate us because He keeps taking things and making life bad. I gently remind her that He has given us a life of abundant joy and provision while simultaneously wondering the same thing. Then there's the news that our sweet boy has arrived to the funeral home where his tiny body will be cremated. A third urn to add to our shelf.

I can see most people looking at today's events as being a pretty bad day. For me, it's the beginning of working through this journey. The tough moments don't define my days. If I let them, I would surely crumble and never get back up. Today I was held together by hugs from Mike and the kids, by a round of batman and Robin with Preston, by sweet talks with Kaitlyn, reassuring glances from my beautiful Arianna, and visits from friends.  

No one promised life would be easy!  Sure as hell feels like we need a break though :'(

http://youtu.be/UfuBl6xFENk