Where to start?

This blog has been months in the making!  I've been posting notes to Facebook and thanks to my dear friend, I'm stepping out into a new world. I don't follow or read any blogs so this is uncharted territory for me completely. What has lead me here is a grueling 6 months of grief and indescribable pain. My husband and I experienced our 4th miscarriage in August. Paisley wasn't our first angel baby but she was the first one we had the privilege of delivering and holding for 5 sweet hours. She was 18 weeks when we heard those heart wrenching words, "there's no heartbeat." How could it be that she was fine a week prior but now, her lifeless body is portrayed on the ultrasound screen?  Our sonographer had been with us through all 3 of our prior losses and through the pregnancies of our 3 living children. She cried with us that day!  I'll never forget her hugs and the comfort she provided with the simple acknowledgement that our baby was real and now gone. Since we were planning to keep the gender unknown until delivery, we asked if she would scan again to see the gender so we could prepare and name the baby. As hard as it was to see her lifeless body again, we knew we wanted a name before delivery. 

It was my birthday, August 4th, and we left my celebration lunch for the scan. The last words to my worried daughter were, "the baby is fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby, it's just mommy's body is having problems. We will see you later at granny's and bring pictures for you to see."  As we heard the words from the sonographer and I cried out in anguish, I remembered what I had told Kaitlyn. How do I now tell her, mommy was wrong and the baby had died?  We left the Dr's office with plans to return in the morning for an induction. Before going home, we went to mom's house to tell the kids the dreadful news. We cried a lot and I spent the rest of my birthday in bed, alternating sobbing and trying to relish the last moments of carrying our sweet angel, even if she was lifeless. She was ours, created in love and fully loved from the moment we knew she was there. 

Mike shared the news on Facebook. We knew we wanted our friends and family to pray for us and retelling the story seemed overwhelming. So thankful he made the post and opened the door for tons of prayers and support. By sharing on Facebook, he began something that has ultimately led me to this blog. We shared our story that day- a story that led others to share theirs, whether publicly or privately. Every single comment and story shared was much appreciated as we tried to navigate through the days, weeks, and months ahead. 

How do you prepare for a trip to labor and delivery, knowing you'll leave without your baby?  As we began processing the news, we knew we wanted to have as many memories as we could of our precious angel. We had already chosen Paisley Jane as the name if we had a girl. Jane is my grandmother's middle name. I still remember telling my granny how hard it was to think that Paisley was supposed to carry her name for years to come. Looking back now, I know Paisley will carry her great-grandmother's name, just not how we had envisioned. 

As I packed my bag, I knew I wanted comfortable clothes to come home in but also knew that putting maternity clothes on would be too traumatic. I found some comfy, non-maternity clothes and a t-shirt. We had planned for Paisley to be born at home. How could I make this experience more relaxed and provide some natural comfort in a time of being surrounded by the medical equipment I had longed to avoid? I packed my diffuser, some oils, and my Rescue Remedy. I wasn't sure how they'd play into the day ahead but I was grasping for some comfort in the midst of the nightmare. The last thing I packed was my Heaven's Love woven wrap. For those that don't know me, I am obsessed with babywearing and wrapping was my favorite way to carry my youngest. This particular wrap was created by the babywearing community in honor of a mama who lost her preemie son. The colors of the wrap were the same colors on his ducky blanket that covered his bed in the NICU. I followed her story and knew I wanted the wrap to commemorate our first angel, Curtis. Now it not only commemorates the legacy of all angel babies, it also bares the blood stains of our precious Paisley.

Besides the name and packed bag, I knew we needed a photographer there to capture the few precious memories we'd have with our daughter.  Through Mike's Facebook post, a sweet aquaintance reached out and offered her services. Someone I barely knew, had only met on a brief occasion or two, offered to spend her time and give of her talents in our most desperate time. I am eternally grateful for Lisa's sacrifice and gift. She captured our most precious and tender moments and did so selflessly. Because my body was not ready for delivery, the induction took 18 hours. She arrived and spent more than 12 hours at our side. As a doula and birth photographer, her presence was invaluable.

As we arrived in labor and delivery, we were treated with such compassion and love by the staff. The nurses and staff, whose daily job was to bring life into this world, took Mike and I in and held us through what had to be difficult for them as well. We never once felt like Paisley's life was any less important than the other lives they touched. They provided us with a memory keepsake box that included footprint cards, offered to take pictures, and most importantly, they called her by name!  They made a certificate for her album and it included her full name. Just hearing our sweet angels name, brought such comfort. With my youngest, I suffered a spinal leak and felt like death for multiple days. Because of that experience, we had decided to just do a home birth since we didn't want an epidural. Here we are, in the hospital, facing life's most intense emotional pain. As much as I feared another epidural, I feared the physical pain would have been more traumatic. I resistently got an epidural and it stopped being effective before delivery. My second epidural took 2 attempts to get right. Just adding more injury to insult. Never wanted another epidural but here I was, getting stuck for a 3rd time. By this time, I'm beginning to lose my faith in God's goodness. Not only has He taken my baby, He's now throwing my other desires out the window as well. 

With the epidural in place and nightfall approaching, we sent mom home to be with our other kiddos. I got some medicine to help me rest in preparation for the emotional storm that was coming. After a few short hours of sleep, the Dr came in and found I was ready to push. My regular OB was out of town. I forgot to inform his partner how effective I was at pushing. She sat at the end of the bed and didn't even put me in stirrups. With one small push, Dr Glas was surprised by her swift arrival. She scrambled to put another glove on as she prepared to let us hold our angel. She even let Mike cut the umbilical cord. We stared at her perfect, lifeless body!  Still unsure of how or why we were there. Definitely unsure of how we'd survive the days ahead. Five short hours!  How does one embrace a child who's supposed to be there until you're old and gray in just 5 hours?  We spent those hours embracing her, kissing her, talking to her, inspecting her tiny and perfect 10 toes and 10 fingers. I held her against my chest where she was supposed to lay and nurse for years to come. We took a nap with her, so minute in comparison to our youngest who spent several years in our bed. How could this be?  How can we have such love for our children and be stripped of the precious memories and joys that come with being mommy & daddy?  I still don't have those answers!  What I do know is that Paisley Jane has left an unforgettable imprint in our life and the lives of our children. I still struggle with the "why us?". Some things may never be known on this side of heaven but I do know that I held an angel that day, August 6, 2014. Heaven sent us an angel and I held her. I carried her for 18 weeks and held her in my arms. I take comfort in knowing her Heavenly Father is holding her but it doesn't make me miss her less. She escaped this world's earthly pain but that doesn't take the grief and pain away!  This is just the outskirts of our journey and I look forward to sharing more in the days ahead.