Yesterday started like every other day. Pulled out the doppler from my nightstand for a quick listen. We were already scheduled for an appointment with the OB but I wanted to listen and get that small amount of reassurance before heading in. I had just heard baby Lynn the prior morning! After searching unsuccessfully for several minutes, I decided to just get ready and let them look at the doctor's office. No point in stressing if I was being seen in a few hours anyway. Sent a quick message out to my prayer warriors for us in light of not hearing baby that morning.
We continued on our day without any true worries and were hopeful that baby was hiding. As we sat with the doctor, attempting to find the heartbeat on doppler, the fear began to build. Thankfully, our sonographer is in office so we didn't have to wait long to check on baby. As we waited, we cried and prayed!
In the ultrasound room, that dreaded room, we anxiously waited for the picture to appear on the screen. Sadly, Mike and I are experts at finding that flickering heart and knew immediately that baby was gone. It makes absolutely no sense! We tried everything, even things not deemed necessary but not harmful. This baby was bathed in so much love and prayer. How could this be happening again? After we gained our composure enough, we asked Gail if she would give us some pictures. She scanned us again and printed pictures for us to keep. She also looked at baby's anatomy and confirmed that baby's passing was very recent. Nothing was wrong with baby! Another mystery left without answers. Baby Lynn died at 13 weeks and 5 days, probably around the same gestation as Carly. We will be sending for chromosome analysis to determine baby's sex unless it's obvious on delivery.
We were given the option to let things happen naturally, have a D&C, or induce. It was really hard to not have the chance to hold or meet Carly so we chose to not have the D&C. Since baby had just passed, there was no guarantee of how long the natural process would take and being in limbo, possibly for weeks, wasn't something we wanted physically or emotionally. With the induction scheduled, we left the hospital with broken hearts again. We left knowing we would have to face our children and share the dreaded news. To know that Kaitlyn would have questions about God's love and not have answers ourselves is terrifying! We know God loves us and we have felt His love but how do you covey that feeling to a 9 yo who has seen so much hurt and pain. She asked me how could God be so loving and let this happen? She then tells me that God hates our family. So heartbreaking! I had no words to rebuke her thoughts other than I know He doesn't hate us and held her as we talked about the plan for baby's arrival. She asked if there would be any more babies and I had to tell her no. We tried everything and still lost the baby. I look at her pain and wish there was a way to take it upon myself. I can only imagine God looking at us and thinking the same thing. Instead, I hold her and agree that it isn't fair and that it SUCKS!
Spent some time with family at my mom's house after the appointment. Watched the kids play with their cousin and couldn't help but smile at the constant squeals and joy seeping from their play time. A nice distraction from the pain of my shattered heart.
After we got home, some friends came and kept me company while Mike ran into work for a bit. We chatted about the day, the unfairness, and life in general. Was nice to have their company and even laughter! Before Lisa left, she took some belly pictures. My last pregnant belly pictures :(. Oh the pain of knowing this journey is over on the birthing front as well as loss of future breastfeeding.
Not even sure how I'll process that loss in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. How can it be that this desire is so strong and now an impossibility? I've cried out so many times to let the desire pass but it hasn't. It's still there and I'm still empty armed and soon to have an empty womb as well!
Regardless of all the pain and hurt, I am blessed! I have 9 children. I've loved and carried all 9 of them. I've only had the chance to raise 3 of them but my heart is forever full of love for all 9! Definitely makes heaven seem sweeter knowing I'll have 6 angels welcoming me! Until then, my heart will lovingly raise our 3 miracles here on earth.
Today has been as hard as expected! Entering the labor and delivery ward with the knowledge of it being my last time here. Knowing I'll go home without a baby produces pain that's incomprehensible. There's just no way to process it! I know we've done this multiple times before and each time, I've looked at it in the same way and have managed to come out still breathing. That's my goal for the upcoming hours, days, weeks... To keep breathing and praying for peace that my human mind doesn't see possible!
My heart's cry for the day...
