My No Fair Attitude's Lame Congrats & A Heart Update- Facebook note from 12/31/14

Yesterday, my due date buddy had her baby boy! So happy for her and her family but finding it impossible to rejoice with them. It's not fair that she has a baby in her arms, while I only have pictures of my dead baby & her ashes and the pain of losing another child since Paisley. I've been through a ton of extremes in this month alone. Was supposed to have my sweet Paisley arrive, but she's already heavenside. Was supposed to be finding out the sex of our surprise blessing but had a D&C instead. Now I'm left with an empty womb and the hopelessness of never having another child. That might be the most overwhelming pain itself. The permanence of a forever empty womb that aches to bare children. It really is no ones fault and I am truly happy for those families seeing their heart's dreams fulfilled. I'm just not ready to give up my "no fair" attitude and make an effort to send congrats when I feel like I'm dying inside. Please know that I rejoice in your blessings and hope you hold them tightly because they are worth it!

An Inside Look at a Grieving Mother's Bad Day- Facebook note from 12/20/14

A list of triggers from a grieving mother's week. This list is compiled for the spouses and support people who may be having a hard time understanding why it's so hard for a mother who lost a child. From the moment of a positive pregnancy test, dreams for that child begin to fill a mother's heart and thoughts. This is a list of things that I remember being hard to face this week. You never know why a grieving mother is having a bad day or crying "for no reason". Her life is surrounded by constant reminders of dreams that will never be fulfilled!
1. The pregnant lady at the store
2. Wearing jeans that shouldn't fit
3. The maternity clothes scattered throughout the laundry
4. The insomnia filled with sadness in the still of night
5. The pregnant ladies at your daughter's school function
6. Going to a school function and having to focus on not melting down and hoping no one asks how you're doing
7. The arrival of the package of cloth diapers ordered on cyber Monday
8. The arrival of adorable crocheted baby hats that'll never be used
9. The call to the OB office for an antidepressant prescription
10. The call to schedule your follow-up from the D&C
11. The app reminder that you're 15 weeks
12. The email reminder that you're 37 weeks
13. The arrival of the 14th, when your child from your first miscarriage should be turning 6
14. The Facebook pictures of babies
15. The Facebook pictures of baby bumps
16. The Facebook ultrasound pictures
17. Your 3 year old son, doing something like a big boy and realizing that he's your baby
18. The post partum bleeding at every bathroom trip
19. Being able to eat and drink without puking
20. The nurse removing the PICC line that's no longer needed
21. The IV pump being picked up
22. Crying yourself to sleep every night
23. Drinking the no longer off-limits sangria
24. The tears shed with your 4 yo over babies she never met
25. Having to decide on a birth control method
This is a quick list and I'm sure there were many more triggers from this week. Please know that a grieving mother may be having a "bad day" for so many reasons beyond what you might see!

A Heart Update- Facebook note from 12/13/14 featured on "Faith for the Faithless" Blog Post

Also copied onto my Blog Post "Faith for the Faithless"

Just 7 short weeks after Paisley's death, we were surprised to find out we were expecting again. This definitely wasn't in our plans! Why was this happening? Did God know we would not make the conscious decision to have another and want to gift us with our desired 4th child? As weeks went by and we finally saw the heartbeat, it became increasingly hard to deny the joy that this fear filled pregnancy brought with it. We began making preparations for this little one in attempt to accept this life and try to allay the fear of another loss. Packages began to arrive with things I've ordered online and swip swap trips were made to get some necessities for our baby on the way. I spent 6 weeks receiving IV fluids because I was too sick to eat or drink anything. Surely this baby was thriving with the evidence of high hormones wreaking have on my body! Every appointment brought a sense of anxiety surrounding the wait for the heartbeat. We prepared for our appointment with the high risk Dr to discuss plans to prevent preterm labor problems. Heard baby's heartbeat just one week prior via Doppler and expected the ultrasound to go well. As she started the scan, I wondered where the flickering heart was. Thinking it was in my head, I anxiously waited to hear her talk about baby. She paused and said she needed to have the Dr check as she was concerned about some things. At that moment, I knew my suspicions were right. How can this be happening again? This baby that was a heaven sent miracle was gone! Why would we be given another chance, only to have our hearts destroyed again? We left the office and went to see my OB. While at the office, we had the chance to see our regular sonographer. She graciously allowed us another chance to see our angel on the ultrasound screen. She confirmed the worst, told us we were having a girl, and gave us our last pictures of our sweet angel! I'm so thankful she was there and has been there through all 8 of our pregnancies. We met with the Dr and he wanted to do a D&C which meant I would never have the chance to hold our baby in my arms or kiss her sweet face. We contemplated delivery so we could have those few moments with our sweet child. I spent 18+ hours in waiting for Paisley's arrival and knew that would be too much for our hearts and my body to bear. A D&C would be quicker and have a shortened physical recovery but either option would leave regrets and emotional scars too deep to fathom. Our trip to the hospital was much quicker than our journey in August but leaves a wound equally as great.
As I sit here, days since she was taken, I mourn not only her loss but every hope of all things baby. We had already made the decision that she would be our last, regardless of the outcome. Since we got pregnant with Paisley, I've been collecting cloth diapers and cute things to use for our precious little ones on the way. Those things will remain unused until I'm able to part with them. I'll never breastfeed another baby. I'll never wear my beautiful baby carriers to keep my baby close. All we want is another child to love and we were given that, only to be teased and have it ripped away. Our hearts can't handle another pregnancy and we can't put our children through the pain again. This is the harsh reality of my heart right now and I do appreciate all the kind words but please don't tell me to have faith, as I have none right now. And please don't tell me to be grateful for the children I do have! I am eternally grateful for them but would never ask you to chose which one of yours you'd like to give up. These things are heard so often and meant with love but not what I need to hear. I'll eventually return to functioning in society again but never quite the person I once was. My heart bares 8 holes that can never be filled. Friends & family, I can't thank you enough for your love and support. You've held us up when we can barely find the energy to breathe or exist.

Life is Easier with Others- Facebook note from 9/16/13

Not sure why I feel the need to share this but it has been on my heart and I'm prayerful that this will be impactful for someone that is facing a similar trial. Mike and I recently suffered the pain of another pregnancy loss. It was very early and unplanned. I had no idea it would affect me the way it did. We had our first miscarriage in May 2008 when we were trying to conceive. That was one of the most difficult and darkest time in my life. I became angry and depressed and hid my pain for a year. The pain was expounded by the fact that we had to undergo the hassle of infertility treatments to finally conceive our Arianna. Every month we anxiously waited to experience the joy of pregnancy again but the pain and depression of starting my period became a nagging reminder of the baby we lost and the one we so desperately wanted. Once the fertility treatments started, the regimented schedule of taking meds and having sex on certain days continued to pour salt on the wound of our miscarriage. Even after we conceived, the innocence of pregnancy was gone. With my first pregnancy, I enjoyed every minute and it never crossed my mind that anything would go wrong. My future pregnancies were haunted by the fear of losing another precious life. My most recent miscarriage has had a different impact on my life. I still have the emotional pain, the thoughts of what life would be like with an April baby and then there's the post miscarriage bleeding that serves as a daily reminder of the loss. All of these things were present in May 2008 but the biggest difference has been my reliance on God and support from my husband. Instead of becoming angry at God, I remind myself that He has a different plan for our family. Not the easiest thing to do when facing life's tough times but He has proven himself faithful in the past! Mike and I have an amazing relationship and he has been so understanding and supportive through this miscarriage. Our first miscarriage was the beginning of some rocky times for our marriage. I shut him out of my heart and it has taken some work to get to where we are but is worth all the effort. Not sure this will serve any purpose but I felt the need to share. For some reason, miscarriages are often hidden and they're definitely easier to handle with the support of those who love you. Infertility sucks and is rarely talked about but can cause such deep pain for a woman. Hoping this encourages anyone facing life's challenges to reach out for help, burdens are easier to bear with others!