Looks Can Be Deceiving

On the outside, I may seem to have myself together!  In all honesty though, my heart is still torn into a million pieces. Last night we went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. While ordering, Kaitlyn picked out our table. As soon as I arrived, I noticed an infant (maybe a few weeks old) in her carrier on the table, within direct view of my "assigned seat". There was also an older infant across the aisle from us. I knew the meal would be uncomfortable and figured I could focus on my meal and survive. As I'm finishing eating, the sweet cries of the baby were heard. At that moment, I could no longer focus on my meal and just survive. The tears poured out and Mike rushed over to comfort me. I sat with tissue covering my face, doing all I could to avoid sobbing. That is the reality of a grieving mama though. There's no way to avoid society and the joy of new life. Only for me, it doesn't bring joy. It's a reminder of the lives and dreams we've been robbed of. The pain of not seeing our children grow and the kisses we were never able to give. I do find comfort in knowing they're being held and loved on by Jesus. That doesn't make it less painful to miss out on those sweet moments!

Today is 4 months since we had Carly. I should be hugely pregnant and expecting her arrival in 2 months (probably closer to 1 since Anna & Preston were born at 36 weeks). The beginning of each month is so hard and this one is no different. As her due date approaches, it will only getter harder. I would like to be more optimistic about that fact but since she's loss #5, reality tells me otherwise. 

Four months later and I have cried for my sweet babies every day this week. I plead for God to heal the hurt and do my best to let go of my plans and let Him comfort me. The feelings of anger and betrayal are still there, but I have come to a place where I'm able to feel His love as well. Not where I want to be, but progress. I honestly believe that God will make beauty from these ashes, but the fire we have and are enduring to get there isn't pleasant. I even begged God tonight to let this cup pass from me just as Jesus did in the garden. I'm not facing physical death and torment as He did but I feel like my heart has holes which torment me. I was again reminded that God didn't change the path for His Son and He hasn't changed ours. We may never see the dreams we have for our family completely fulfilled. I have no doubt though that His purpose will be served, which is ultimately our purpose for being here. He never said the road would be easy, He only promises to be with us on our journey. 

We see our last specialist on Monday and I'm so anxious about what he may or may not say. It's the same office where we found out about Carly's death so that in itself will be a hurdle to overcome. The news we receive from the doctors could determine if we choose the adventure of another pregnancy or adoption.  It's not a decision we take lightly so all prayers on our behalf are coveted!

Can't close without a song as they are so comforting to me and I can only pray they are to others as well. 

https://youtu.be/q5Cbb4AZZxs