This is my grief!

Haven't blogged much since losing Brody. What is there to say?  That I still cry almost daily?  That I still have a hard time functioning in crowds?  That I still can't be around pregnant women or babies without being consumed with jealousy?  That I still haven't talked to God?  

We've spent the last 2 years longing to have a fourth child because we both feel like our family isn't complete. Instead of embracing life with 4 kids, we've had to grieve the 5 babies we've lost in these 2 years. Instead of going crazy over baby clothes, I avoid the baby aisle at all costs. In 12 months, I've only been able to buy diapers once for Preston because the thought of going down the baby aisle makes we panic. 

Some may think I should be moving on by now. My sweet husband gently reminds me that this is my grief, no one else's!  If I spend the rest of my life grieving and crying, he will spend the rest of his life holding me while I cry.  I don't know where this grief journey will take me. Sure, I've been here 5 other times, yet I haven't. Every angel has held his or her own set of circumstances, memories, and pain. Each one holds a place in my heart and I had big plans for our family that included each of them. The 6 grief journeys have some parallels but no 2 are alike. 

What's the point of sharing?  I share because I know I'm not alone. Sadly, there are other hurting mamas who are on a similar journey. Many mamas have gone before me and many will follow.  I'm not the only one dreading opening the mailbox because I know the hospital bills are coming. Almost 3 months after losing Brody, we are seeing the bills come in. Bills asking us to pay 10 times the cost of an abortion. That is mind boggling!