What next?

As I sit here tonight, pondering the weeks ahead, I'm filled with so many emotions. Mike and I have decided to seek answers from specialists about the reason behind losing our sweet babies. Our family still feels incomplete and we desperately want to have another child. At the same time, we can't knowingly put our family through the pain of another loss unless we have valid reason to think our baby will survive. We had testing done through my OB after we lost Aubrey which all came back "normal". The only abnormal finding was an MTHFR mutation which can cause problems with blood clotting and result in miscarriage. My specific mutation supposedly doesn't influence fertility or miscarriage risks. Since we had lost so many prior, I was put on aspirin as a precaution with Paisley and Carly. The only thing my OB knows he would do differently is have me take blood thinner injections in addition to the aspirin.  

Thursday we met with the reproductive medicine Dr who specializes more so in early pregnancy loss. Since he releases patients at 12 weeks, he seemed unsure of how to process Paisley's and Carly's death or even stipulate a possible cause. As my OB told me when we lost Carly, there's no real specialist for me- I'm in between. The reproductive medicine doctors get you pregnant and through the point of seeing a heartbeat. The high risk doctors, help your body keep growing the baby for as long as possible. With no known reason for Paisley's and Carly's death, ROC may not even have answers. Next week, we have an HSG scheduled which will involve injecting dye into my uterus. They'll take pictures and do an ultrasound to look for any anatomical reason behind their deaths.  

Our next stop will be another visit to ROC, the high risk perinatologist. They're the ones we were seeing when we discovered Carly had passed. I'm having a hard time getting the courage to call for that appointment because I know it will be difficult to return to their office. 

I shed many tears on Thursday in the waiting room, thinking "we shouldn't be here. We should have our family complete and not need to see specialists."

The lack of answers is frustrating but the fear of unwanted answers is frightening as well. What if we find a fixable/ treatable reason for their deaths. How will we survive the fear of another pregnancy? What if we find no reason?  How we will we process that news and accept the end of our childbearing days?  

I'm sure many people will wonder why we would even consider another pregnancy after what we've already been through. Unless you've experience the pain of not having a complete family, it is incomprehensible. The possibility of my last pregnancy resulting in my baby's death, is painful. Will I ever be able to view pregnant women without that jealousy and pain if the road for me ends with Paisley's and Carly's death?  I've even begged God to remove the desire for more children and help me rest content with the 3 we have. It's so difficult to wrestle with figuring out what's a selfish desire and what is God's leading. 

We haven't ruled out adoption. We talked about adoption when we were having a hard time conceiving Arianna. At the time, we had begun looking into adopting a deaf child. Our hearts are still open to that and would love to adopt if that's the direction God has for us. So much goes into adoption and we would need an abundance of resources provided for it to happen. We serve an amazing God who can provide more than enough resources if that's the path we are supposed to take. 

All of this to say...

We have so many emotions and questions to navigate through in the weeks ahead and would love for our prayer warriors to stand with us in this journey. The answers and decisions will be the easiest parts and they seem overwhelming. Any prayer on our behalf is much appreciated!

Claiming the Casting Crown song I have grown to love "Dream for You". Praying we can hear God's direction and be submissive to His dream for us!

https://youtu.be/R8nsJZx8eWw