Friday was Paisley's 6 month birthday and today is Carly's 2 month birthday. Arianna's 5th birthday was on Sunday. What an emotional roller coaster to navigate. Celebrating the miracle of Arianna's birth while mourning the passing of 6 months without Paisley and 2 months without Carly. Knowing I'll never host a birthday party for any of my angels is so hard to accept. Now that the hustle and bustle of party planning has ended, my heart is so heavy. I've spent several days trying to stay busy and be strong. Finally took time to sit with my pain last night and stop pretending that I'm ok. Spent an hour alternating between sobbing and talking with Mike. Listened to the recording of Carly's heartbeat for the first time since she passed. So glad to have that memory but so painful at the same time. Talked about how much we regret not having pictures or footprints with her. Listened to our angel baby songs which continued the sobs while I held Paisley's blood stained blanket. I want to hold her, not her blanket. I want to kiss and snuggle my babies not just hold their memories in my heart.
The hurt continued to consume my heart today so I busied myself with more tasks to make it through the day. This afternoon, I had a house full of neighborhood kids. At one point, there were 8 kids running amuck in my house. My heart was so full having the wonderful chaos. Couldn't help but think that it should be like that all the time if all 8 of my babies were here! Told my sweet friend that if I can't have more of my own, I'll just have to borrow some from the neighbors. So hard to live with the pain of not feeling like my "quiver is full". I continue to stand by my motto: some days I'm ok, other days I'm not. Either way, I'm ok with where I am that day! Today, and the last few days, have been not ok days. I know every day holds new adventures and love so I'll wake up tomorrow, ready to look for the beauty in life and be ok with where I am.
The hurt continued to consume my heart today so I busied myself with more tasks to make it through the day. This afternoon, I had a house full of neighborhood kids. At one point, there were 8 kids running amuck in my house. My heart was so full having the wonderful chaos. Couldn't help but think that it should be like that all the time if all 8 of my babies were here! Told my sweet friend that if I can't have more of my own, I'll just have to borrow some from the neighbors. So hard to live with the pain of not feeling like my "quiver is full". I continue to stand by my motto: some days I'm ok, other days I'm not. Either way, I'm ok with where I am that day! Today, and the last few days, have been not ok days. I know every day holds new adventures and love so I'll wake up tomorrow, ready to look for the beauty in life and be ok with where I am.
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