A Rainbow

Our grief following Curtis' death was compounded with infertility problems following the miscarriage. It took 18 months of trying to conceive until we finally got pregnant with our rainbow (what babies after a loss are referred to in the miscarriage community). After 3 months of fertility treatments using Clomid, we finally saw those 2 lines again!  Since miscarriages were rarely reoccurring events, we proceeded with caution but embraced the pregnancy. Arianna's pregnancy was stressful between the history of having a miscarriage and bleeding throughout the first trimester. I was sure we would lose her and feared every bathroom trip. We survived that, only to be faced with preterm labor issues and being on bedrest from September until she was born in February, one day shy of 37 weeks. Our now 5 year old is still a spunky girl with surprises around every corner! 

Since we didn't know how long it would take to conceive again, we decided to try sooner rather than later. Surprisingly, We saw those 2 lines on our first month of "trying". We had our share of issues with bleeding into the 2nd trimester and needing medication to prevent contractions but our little guy made it to 36 weeks and 4 days. He was healthy and the boy I had always hoped for!  Since we knew we would not be wanting another any time soon, I got an IUD to prevent conception. I always wanted 4 but Mike was happy with 3. The IUD would give me time to convince him we "needed" one more before making any permanent birth control choices. 

As we carried on with our family of 5, I began a journey to becoming healthier and living a cleaner lifestyle. As I was traveling this journey, I was seeing a Dr regularly to monitor my progress. Just a few days prior to an appointment, I called to see if she wanted to get some hormone levels drawn. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks which was not normal. She said the only thing she would probably do is check a pregnancy test. There's no way I was gonna wait to for my appointment to check so I bought a test, assuming it would be negative. I was shocked to see those wonderful 2 pink lines that day but feared it was already too late. I immediately called my OB who scheduled me for a scan and labs later that day. Since I "had an IUD", there was concern about its location since I was pregnant. The scan showed we had already lost our angel and that the IUD was no longer I place. Even though I only spent 8 hours hoping for her and dreaming about her, our hearts were devastated at the news of another loss. Aubrey should be turning 1 next month!

Since I typically need medication to help sustain pregnancy during the first trimester, we just assumed that was the issue. My Dr ordered labs to check for other issues since it was my second loss. When we received the labs, I was encouraged to find out that almost everything was normal. There was only one abnormality that shouldn't cause pregnancy issues. The hours spent thinking we were pregnant, was enough to give hubby the desire to have another. I was ecstatic to think that we'd start trying, find out early, and start necessary medicines to have our 4th and final earthside baby. 

Just a few months later, we saw the 2 pink lines again. We were torn between elation and fear but embraced it as everything should go smoothly since I started my meds early. Sadly, we never had a chance to see our sweet baby on the ultrasound screen. Despite being on my meds, my hcg levels didn't rise and the bleeding started. How could this be?  Things were supposed to turn out perfectly and we'd have the life and family I had always wanted. Maverick would've been due in August- the summer baby I always wanted. We live in FL and as a somewhat obsessive fanatic for birthday parties, Maverick was supposed to be my chance to finally throw a pool party one day. As I've said so many times before, those dreams began the moment the 2 lines show up. He was only with us for a week but in that short time, I was already celebrating his summer birthdays to come. 

Several months after losing Maverick, we found out we were expecting again. Given my history, we were seen early and often. Labs were monitored. I was started on my progesterone as well as precautionary aspirin even though my clotting labs seemed normal. Dr said it couldn't hurt to take it. We started seeing a midwife in addition to my OB because we planned to have a home birth. My normal pregnancies issues were present but we saw a heartbeat!  We saw it on multiple occasions and heard it countless times. The dreaded risk for miscarriage was reduced to a minimal when we celebrated the presence of a heartbeat! We also decided to not find out the sex until birth. What an exciting way to celebrate our last pregnancy! 

There's so much about her pregnancy that I remember because I was halfway through when we lost her. Paisley's story is in my first blog post, "Where to Start". I still look back and wonder what went wrong. What could I have done, or not done, to have changed the outcome?  Regardless of how many times I remind myself that I didn't kill our sweet girl or that I couldn't have prevented her death, I'll always carry that burden in the back of my mind. I was her source of growth and nourishment and somehow, someway, I wasn't enough. There's a constant struggle with feeling like a failure. Yes, I have 3 beautiful children, an amazing husband, and a life that many could only dream of having. That doesn't change the fact that my body has failed 5 times in one of its most important functions, producing life!  How does a woman get past that?  I still don't have those answers!