Baby Lynn #10

It's no secret we long to have another child. After looking into adoption more and realizing it isn't within reach, we continued searching for more answers. We feel as if we've explored every medical explanation for our losses except one. All of the doctor's we've seen have thrown their hands up with no answers. Our last puzzle piece to explore is the possibility that I have developed an immune reaction to foreign cells which resulted in my body attacking our babies. If that's the case, treatment is readily available. Because there could be multiple mechanisms, we aren't able to just do a trial on medicines. We need to know which treatment would be needed. With that said, we would need to be evaluated by a reproductive immunologist. It is a highly specialized field and as you can guess, isn't cheap. Here's where we need help!  In order to get the testing, evaluation, and treatment, we need $3,000. Once we've been evaluated and have answers, it is an additional $3,000 to be followed during pregnancy. We have hesitantly decided to start a fund for anyone who is willing and able to help us with this endeavor. If we can raise the initial $3,000 before year end, my medical deductible is already met and testing would be covered. In addition to donations, I'm looking for any ideas on fundraising for this adventure. Thank you all for listening to our plea and we hope you'll consider donating!  

Graciously, The Lynn Family (Mike, Kelly, Kaitlyn, Arianna, Preston, and angels- Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody)

Here's the link to our donation site. 

http://www.plumfund.com/medical-fund/baby-lynn-10

Capture Your Grief: Day 11- Glow In the Woods

Today's topic was to highlight a resource that has been light during he darkness...

My glow in the woods is a sweet friend from church. She has been there in a special way through 3 losses and hasn't given up on me. She always shows up at just the right time when I feel like the world has forgotten about us. When I was super sick with one of my pregnancies, she came over and cleaned my house for me. She watches my kids when I go to counseling which is such a blessing. There are no words to express my deep gratitude for her and her friendship!  This picture reminds me of her because she brought balloons for us to release on Paisley's first birthday. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 10- Words

Words can be so uplifting or heart shattering. The old adage, sticks & stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me, is so far from the truth. Instead of mulling through some of the painful things I've heard, I'm going to share some words that have brought me the most comfort.  

When our sweet Paisley died, one of my dear friends was out of the country. I had the chance to chat with her briefly on our way to her memorial service. I told her that I didn't know how I'd make it through the service because I was a wreck. She told me that my only job for that moment was to be Paisley's mommy and that it didn't matter what that looked like. Not only did she use my daughter's name, but she also validated that I was her mommy. She didn't stop there, she proceeded to give me permission to grieve. I will never forget her words on that day. Such a precious moment amongst friends that I am forever grateful for. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 9- Family

Got my first tattoo on Tuesday. I've been wanting it for some time. This portrays my family so well. Surrounding the butterfly, there are sparkles. 3 in black with the centers colored representing my earthside children. There's also a white one which represents the 4th child we desperately wanted to have in our home but will never see. It represents my longing heart. The 6 hearts represent our 6 angels: Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody.  

Capture Your Grief: Day 8- Wish List

It has been 3 1/2 months since we lost Brody, our 6th angel baby. I'm slowly beginning to find enjoyment in life again. I chose this picture because it is the result of a fun activity planned for my earthside children. My wish is to live each day to its fullest and enjoy every moment I have with them. This journey has made me realize how precious they are and how fragile life can be. Just because I can't be this crazy mom for my 6 angels, doesn't mean I shouldn't be it for my 3 living children. 

My long term wish would be to find a way to support moms in the community who have suffered a loss. I've connected with so many beautiful women on this journey that have made a huge difference in my healing. I hope to continue my Angels Remembered vision and eventually develop it into a support network for bereaved parents. This is a picture of the first card I sent from Angels Remembered. Just knowing your angel is remembered means so much to us loss mamas. I hope I can touch many mama hearts in the years ahead by reminding them that their babies aren't forgotten!

Capture Your Grief: Day 7- Memory

This is a picture of our sweet Paisley. We had 5 precious hours with her. Before they took her, I covered her with a blanket. That was the only time I was able to tuck her in. It was 14 months ago and I still get teary sometimes when I tuck my son in at night. I should be tucking Paisley in too but I only had that one chance. 

One of the things I regret not doing with Paisley was singing her a lullaby. Wasn't going to let that opportunity pass when I had the chance to hold Brody. I sang one of my kid's favorites, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". Also sang "You Are My Sunshine" until I got to the part that says "please don't take my sunshine away". At that point, the sobs took over. I still can't sing that song without crying and probably always will. 

There are so many other memories with all of our angels but these are my most precious. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 3- Honor

Who are you doing this project in memory of?  What is their story?

Since I've covered most of this in previous posts, I'm gonna do my best to summarize. I'm participating in this project for our 6 angel babies: Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody. 

Curtis was our first loss. When I was about 6 weeks pregnant, we went out of town for a wedding. The evening we arrived, I had some light bleeding and called my doctor. Because it was the weekend, I was told to rest and come in on Monday. Time moved so slowly. Monday finally came and we went for labs which came back normal. Had repeat labs drawn a few days later and things still looked normal. With the spotting continuing, we were seen for a scan. We were told the dreaded news that I had what appeared to be a blighted ovum. At some point during early development, the baby stopped growing and was absorbed, leaving an empty sac. We were sent home and told to return in a week to confirm the findings. A week later, nothing has changed. We were devastated at the news and scheduled a D&C. I spent much of the following year in a deep depression. We didn't speak of our loss much as it seemed so foreign. We named our baby Curtis and still carry him in our hearts. He was born May 1, 2008. His due date was December 14, 2008. After Curtis, we had 2 rainbow miracles. 

In August of 2013, I had a strange period, lasting 2 weeks. I already had an appt scheduled with my primary care doctor so I called to see if there were any hormone labs I needed to have done prior to my appt. She said no that they would probably just do a pregnancy test to rule out miscarriage and go from there. There was no way I was gonna wait for my appt so I bought a test. Was very surprised to see a positive on the test. Called my OB and was told to come in that afternoon. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks so I knew that I had most likely already miscarried.  For the 8 hours between my test and my appt, I hoped all would be ok. Sadly, we had already miscarried. We didn't name this baby until our 4th loss. When we gave Paisley a name, we realized we hadn't honored our 2nd & 3rd losses with names. Aubrey was one of the girl names we talked about using when we were pregnant with Arianna so it seemed perfect! Aubrey was miscarried on August 22, 2013. Her due date would've been April 16, 2014. 

Maverik did not take us by surprise. We were seen immediately for labs and started on progesterone right away. Within a week, we were experiencing another miscarriage as evidenced by bleeding and bad lab results. We were crushed but determined that we would have a healthy baby soon. We lost Maverik on December 4, 2013. His due date was August 4, 2014. 

On April 23, 2014 we found out we were expecting our 7th child. Considering our history, we were hesitantly excited. I was already on aspirin and was started on progesterone right away. Early labs were all great and everything seemed wonderful. At 17 weeks, we had a scan to check my cervix since I have a history of issues. My cervix had shortened and I was placed on different progesterone. We had similar issues with Anna's pregnancy so we knew we could handle it. That weekend, I started having some bleeding. For me, it was a normal occurrence to have bleeding for 12-24 hours at a time. Over th weekend it continued so I called the doctor's office to see what we needed to do. It was my birthday and we were celebrating it with granny over lunch. They asked me to come in for a scan to make sure my cervix was ok. Still thinking all was well, we went to the appt expecting to at the worst be faced with bed rest. Our sweet sonographer had to give us the dreaded news that there was no heartbeat. Since we had planned to keep the sex a secret, we still didn't know if we were having a boy or girl. She took another look and told us we were having a girl. After meeting with the Doctor, we left with the plan to return the following day for induction. After 18 long hours waiting for her arrival, she was born on August 6, 2014. Her due date was January 4, 2015. We only had a girl name picked out which made it easy. We named her Paisley Jane. Jane is my grandmother's middle name and I had hoped she would carry her great granny's name for many years to come. 

The grief of losing Paisley after feeling like we were finally getting our take home baby was overwhelming. In the midst of our grief, we found out we were expecting our next miracle. We didn't know what to expect of the pregnancy as we had been through so much. We knew it would be a long road but we were ready to travel it for the end result. Sadly, the end result we had hoped for never came. I was on progesterone and aspirin from the beginning. Once I was about 7 weeks, I became very sick. Very sick progressed to HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) and I had to receive IV fluid and nutrients since I wasn't able to keep food or drink down. It was hell but I would've traveled the journey a million times to have a baby in my arms. At my 12 week appt, baby's heartrate was perfect on the Doppler. We had an appt the following week with the high risk doctor where we would get a scan. As we sat there with the sonographer, I didn't see the flicker of the heart but hoped it was just the machine. She said she needed the doctor to come and get some additional views. Before she left, I asked "there's no heartbeat, is there?"  She confirmed that she didn't see one but wanted the doctor to take a look. Our lives crumbled again. Since Paisley's delivery took so much out of me and Carly's pregnancy had been very taxing, we opted to do the D&C. We scheduled the procedure and went home to process the news. I continued to puke and need IV therapy even though my baby was gone. Since we didn't have a definite sex yet, we decided to wait until the chromosome testing came back to give the baby a name. The test results came back showing we had a girl, who had perfectly normal chromosomes. That same day, Mike went to the funeral home to pick up her ashes. On his way home, he thought of her name. When he arrived, he asked if we could name her Carly. I agreed and immediately the middle name Rose came to mind. She was born on December 11, 2014. Her due date was June 9, 2015. 

On April 13, 2015 we found out we were expecting again. Given our history, we were seen immediately. Had labs done and received a prescription for heparin, a blood thinner. In addition to the aspirin and progesterone, we decided to try the heparin as a last ditch effort to keep this pregnancy. The pregnancy was much better than Carly's. I was rarely sick. I had a sense of peace about the pregnancy. Things were going along as normal and we were approaching a scary time in our pregnancy, the time where we had lost our last 2. I was using my home Doppler to check the heartbeat and that definitely made me feel comfortable. The morning of our OB appt, I couldn't find the heartbeat. I knew we were being seen so I didn't spend too much time looking for it. Since I had heard it the day before, I assumed all was well and baby was just in a bad position. The doctor searched with her Doppler for some time and couldn't find it so we went for a scan. It confirmed our worst nightmare. We had lost another precious child. One that I had the chance to hear the day before the appt. Since we regretted not being able to hold Carly and felt we missed out on pictures and footprints, we decided to induce instead of have a D&C. His delivery didn't take as long as Paisley's which I was thankful for. We were unsure of the sex but once baby was here, it was evident we had a little boy. We named him Brody which was a name we tossed around when we were pregnant with Preston. He was born on June 25, 2015. His due date is still upcoming on December 25, 2015. 

I know I had hoped for a summary but it still turned out to be quite lengthy. Thank you for taking the time to read about our angels and their stories. Their lives, no matter how short, have left a forced impact on our hearts and lives!

Arianna's Heart

Over the last week, my sweet Anna has made me cry on several occasions!  Not because she has done something wrong, but because she has a beautiful heart. During our losses this last year, she has always been in tune to mommy's sadness and been there. She knows just when momma needs a hug, an I love you, or a piece of art for our babies. 

This week, we were in the car and I started talking about a game we play on our iPads. I said "I have 2 babies ready in our game". Her response, I thought you were gonna say you have 2 babies in your belly. Wouldn't that be wonderful mommy. If you had 2 babies and none of them died."  My heart broke in that instant. Not only do I long for another child but so do my children. It's heartbreaking to know we can't give them that. 

Fast forward to tonight. The 3 kiddos were playing in the adjacent room. They were sitting down for school when Anna pipes in with "I feel like we are missing someone". Kaitlyn asked who. She said "our babies in the sky, the ones that died". Tears again for my sweet Anna's  longing heart!  

Last story, although there are dozens more. We had a project for school that asked what she wanted to save money for. Without hesitation, she said she wanted to save for a Paisley box. I have boxes at my bedside that keep all of our angel's keepsakes. Instead of a toy or something selfish, she wants to save for a memory box. Her theory, "because memories are more important than toys."  Tears again!!! She truly does have a beautiful heart. 

This is a picture from a month ago that she drew for me. She said it was me and she pointed out where she drew Paisley in my heart!  She is a very special girl. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 2- Intentions

"I intend to _________ in honor of my precious children ___________."

Such a loaded statement. This grief journey hasn't been easy. One thing I've come to truly believe is that life is valuable. I intend to honor our angels by loving more fully and making the most of the time I have been give with my 3 earthside children. 

I intend to support others in their grief. To be a nonjudgemental ear for those mamas who find their own thoughts disturbing. To tell my story bravely so mamas know they aren't alone. To remember the mamas and babies who have crossed my path and remind them that their babies are not forgotten. 

I intend to continue my journey to healing. To give myself permission to grieve, whenever and however I need. It is my grief and there's no limit to when the new normal will seem fluent. I intend to reach a place where happiness and grief coexist. After all, this grief will change but never will it end.

Lastly, I intend to keep talking about our precious babies; Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody. Gone but never forgotten. 

I have many intentions!  Most of which involve being where I am and making the most of every moment. Whether that's by focusing on myself and healing, by investing more love and adventurous moments in my earthside children, or by investing in other mamas who are hurting!  I intend to be present wherever I am, even if it isn't what others see as being wonderful. I will honor Curtis, Aubrey, Maverik, Paisley, Carly, and Brody by making the most of the rain. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 1- Sunrise

This mama is not a morning person!  If I'm awake before the sun, it is important. This morning, I drug myself out of bed, along with the 3 kiddos. We arrived at Vilano Beach at 7:00, just before sunrise. 

What's so important about today?  I'm participating in a healing journey along with many other mamas during October. October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Each day, we are given a subject to photograph and a prompt for journaling. This is why I was up before the sun today. I'm hoping to keep up all month and find some healing along the way. 

Given our weather recently, I'm not surprised at the view this morning. Cloud coverage blocked most of the sunrise but there is beauty in the bright sun peaking out where it can. This is very similar to my current grief journey. Despite being in the dark sadness of our losses, most recently Brody just 3 months ago, I can see healing peaking through. It may not be the beautiful sunrise I had dreamed about, but it's progress from the darkness of the passing night. 

For all of my fellow loss mamas, take time to reflect on your sweet babies this month. No matter how far you are in your grief journey, there's either a gaping wound or scar on your heart with your baby's memory etched on it. Curtis would be turning 7 this December and I still wonder how different life would be with him. His scar is still there and always will be, after all, I am his mama!