I have spent the last week worrying about today's appointment. The only reason I wasn't too worried before that was because I had a dental appointment to keep my mind anxious. After that, it was open to worry about today. I know the Bible says to not worry and that God takes care of the sparrows so He will take care of me. Tell that to my finite mind though! Actually, I've told myself that a bazillion times and as soon as I lay something at His feet, I tend to grab it back. I have learned so much in the last 18 months yet I still struggle to leave it there. After dropping the kids off with a friend, I started my journey to Jacksonville. This gave me time to call the doctor's office and verify it was at the downtown location. As I'm talking to the receptionist, I realize that we aren't scheduled to see the doctor we had requested or been told to see. We were scheduled with the nurse practitioner and that the particular doctor we were supposed to see wasn't even at the same location. I was livid! Called my OB to make sure it wasn't gonna be a wasted appointment and was reassured that even their nurse practitioners had the knowledge we needed. Having been on this frustrating journey of no answers, I am very effective at making sure my voice is heard. I knew we wouldn't leave today without at least feeling like we were heard, even if it was on a level that sends Mike sinking into his seat, shaking his head in shame!
When we were called back, we were greeted warmly by the NP and she entertained all of my questions and seemed very knowledgable. She took our history, gave some feedback, and said she wanted to make sure one of the physicians didn't have anything to add. Here we go, another moment of feeling like we are those people. The ones that no one knows how to help. No answers to what has gone awry. "Let's get another opinion." I feel like that has been the story of our life for the last 4 months. The doctor came in, introduced himself, sat down and acknowledged our pain. Took the time to look at us and say "you've been through a lot, I'm so sorry". It took a lot to hold back the tears! Just those simple words were enough to make the appointment worthwhile. I talked about faith in God early, I had given up on believing in medicine and its goodness before today. Not because he came in and had answers, but because he came in and took the time to love on us and let us know he was on our side. We left with a lab slip and a good idea of how we would be treated/ monitored during a future pregnancy. That's it, no answer to why we've lost 5 babies! Yet we left with a sense of hope because one Dr was transparent enough to say we don't know why and we can't guarantee a positive outcome even with increased monitoring. This is the exact thing we've struggled with, no guarantee. In all actuality, no doctor is going to be able to give us that. There's only one Person who controls that and He isn't in an office. He's with me, rooting for me to trust Him, waiting for me to relinquish all the pieces of my heart and doubt. No doctor can guarantee a baby's safe delivery. Only the Great Physician, Jesus, can!
With that said, we have decided that we would switch OBs should it be necessary to have one. Our current OB is very knowledgable and has tons of experience but has lost his compassion. He has been my OB/ GYN for 10+ years. At this point, we need compassion more than we need experience. Our experience at the high risk Dr today definitely made that decision easier. We debated on switching when we were pregnant with Carly. We chose to stay with him because we wanted to avoid the time and effort of extra appointments. He is less likely to send patients to the high risk doctor for management so we stayed. Looking back at Carly's pregnancy, we would've had a much better experience had we not been so set on having an expert. A different doctor wouldn't have changed the outcome of Carly's pregnancy but it may have made our loss a little less traumatic. The doctor that delivered Paisley is less experienced but has a genuine heart. We regret not switching because I think she would've encouraged delivering Carly instead of balking at the idea because it's more work. There's a great likelihood that we would have pictures and footprints instead of just ashes.
This next part is not for the weak stomach...
I remember pleading with him to let me see her after the D&C. He said I couldn't because she was mixed with other tissue. I can remember losing it at that point and being given a sedative. In the weeks ahead we grieved not being able to hold her. When Mike went to pick up her ashes, he asked our friend who cremated her about how she was received. He told us she was intact minus some minor tissue damage. This compounded the grief of missing out on those moments with her. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when another mama on one of my miscarriage support groups talked about being able to hold her baby after her D&C. This is where the compassion should've been a priority. My OB couldn't see past his schedule to see the lifetime impact of holding your child. To him, it's just another day at the office, another procedure. To me, it's our baby. Our only chance to hold her. The chance to get those precious pictures and footprints. The chance to kiss her. We will forever wish we had those momentos but can't be consumed with the regret. We can only move forward and trust that God's plan is not always ours and isn't always easy to accept.
Had today's appointment been scheduled according to my request, today may have ended much differently! God knew weeks ago which doctor I needed to see and made that happen. I'm so thankful to have a God who knows what I need and makes it happen, even when I question it.
I still struggle to sing this song without crying. It was one that I sang wholeheartedly before losing Carly. It's still hard for me to sing these words to God.
http://youtu.be/P8PLBQrzWQ8
